Hey, folks: Don’t blame me. I just observe today’s news, and here it is:
Global Warming Wonders: My neighbor is doing his part to stop global warming. And believe it or not, he’s been quite effective. You see, at the end of January, he took delivery of a new all-electric vehicle. Although spending over $100K for this innovative car, his financial sacrifice has been well worth it.
How do I know this? It’s simple. Look what happened just after he bought the PG&E powered sedan. We just went through the coldest February since 1989. Also, we had the most amount of rainfall during that month since 1986 — thus ending our climate change-caused drought.
Think about it: If one man can accomplish this, imagine what could happen if all of us bought electric cars? Computer models have proven we could all be wearing Alaskan parkas by August!
Homeland Security: A few weeks ago, I went through airport security. What a waste of time and money! We haven’t had an aircraft terrorist attack in almost 20 years. Homeland security was obviously created from a manufactured crisis.
There’s no serious invasion of terrorists or drug dealers into our country. By abolishing airport security personnel, whose only job is to single out those trying to make better lives for themselves, we could save approximately $7.6 billion annually.
And that’s more than enough to finish the wall on the southern border.
Out of the Mouths of Babes: Recently, a freshman congresswoman, Brenda Brobdingnagian, was chastised for her degrading remarks about vertically challenged people.
“Her comments were hateful, bigoted and totally uncalled for,” said one of her colleagues, Richey “Shorty” Ratsman.
“We need a resolution condemning these comments and remove her from the House Overlord Committee.”
At first, her fellow party members were shocked by Brobdingnagian’s remarks. But later, decided it was in their best interest to stay united, as circling the wagons has worked so well in the past.
“I don’t think she really meant to say that,” said one party member trying to mitigate the comments. Another agreed and opined, “She’s only been here three months and hasn’t learned our ‘newspeak.’”
The legislator continued: “We gave her a copy of Orwell’s ‘1984’ and suggested a more subtle approach to expressing her hatred toward short people. We all know those little devils can be annoying, but our goal is to be seen as the party of inclusiveness.”
Steve’s Closing Personal Story of Interest: Last week, I called my appliance service company:
“Good morning! It’s a great day at Appaloosa Appliance Services!”
“I’ll bet they make you say that ‘great day’ stuff, don’t they?” I responded.
After a surprising pause, she said, “Well, yes. As a matter of fact, they do.” (coupled with an embarrassing laugh).
“And I’ll bet your weather over there is just as crummy as it is here.”
“Yes, you’re right about that too,” the receptionist capitulated.
“Then tell me: Why is it a ‘great day?’”
“Good point,” she answered. “I play the game because I need the money, and by the way, your inference is correct. My boss really is a horse’s derriere. Now what can I do for you?”
It’s just another example of straight-forward honesty found in today’s compendious youth. So, until next time…
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.