There’s a lot of criticism about the news media these days. Some say stories are biased, hateful and follow a one-sided agenda.
Well, my column today is going to put an end to all of these accusations. Here, you’ll read straight-forward reporting not found in other media sources. So without further ado, let’s get started:
Breaking news: The U.S. Government is now broke.
Science news: Dr. Robert Rodent and his team have made an amazing discovery. Squirrels are much smarter than humans. After spending millions in government grants, the researchers found that squirrels can remember where dozens of nuts are buried, while people can’t remember where they left their car keys.
Climate change news: Ninety-seven percent of scientists say the planet will be so hot by 2080, we will no longer need fuel to fry food. But until then, climatologists will try to figure out what temperatures will be in two weeks from now.
Political news: The border wall has been dominating the headlines for quite some time. Democrats are accused of careless attitudes toward border security, while Republicans are charged with only caring about campaign promises. As a result, a compromise has been reached. The wall will be dropped in favor of stocking the Rio Grande with aggressive alligators, slithering serpents and sizable sharks.
California news: Recently, a highway patrolman stopped a DUI motorist traveling 100 miles per hour on a narrow two-lane road. When asked “why?” the young man replied he was only thinking of his therapist’s advice. Apparently, the suggestion was to take the high road. So being a Californian, the speeder thought that meant take the road high.
People news: A popular girl’s name over the last few years has been “Morgan” — a moniker some associate with an American horse breed. However, it’s been reported that young boys are feeling left out of this popular movement. So trendy mothers everywhere are now switching from “Charles” and “Michael"” to “Clydesdale” and “Mustang.”
Demonstration news: Emotional protestors carrying signs are demanding Senator Weathervane resign over comments he made asserting man-made climate change is not real. In reply, the senator said, “I’m not denying world climate change. I’m denying true-believers have any credible clue on how to change it back.”
Entertainment news: In Los Angeles, a comedian was booed off the stage for offending people with his insensitive jokes. The attempt at humor reportedly spoofed politics, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, physical appearance, weight, mental illness, developmental delays, learning disabilities, ethnicity, poverty, countries of origin, immigrants, foreign accents, veganism, climate change, alcohol, drug abuse, spousal abuse, senility and incontinence. “I was only left with one joke,” he said. When asked what it was, he replied, “A duck walks into a bar and….” (censored).
School news: Teachers in Urban Blight, California have gone on strike. They are demanding a 50 percent raise, 10 students per class and cannabis dispensaries in every hallway. When the union president was asked where the money would come from, he simply replied: “I’m not sure. Math was not my best subject. But it seems to me there should be plenty of revenue from riders on that new California high-speed bullet train.”
Sports news: Quarterback Lefty O’Rourke has been signed by a major league football team for a salary of $50 million. O’Rourke was not happy with his contract. He threatened to kneel and create a wardrobe malfunction during the half-time performance.
“I’m underpaid,” O’Rourke said. “They are only giving me $50,000 every time I throw a pass. It just goes to show what an unjust and bigoted society we really live in.”
Closing story: A Hollywood celebrity recently filed a police report. While getting into her limousine, she claimed to have been attacked by two armed “Grays,” who exited from a nearby UFO. The woman believed she was singled out because of her support for the underprivileged, her socialist beliefs, along with her unique sexual orientation — a description of which has not been found in any newly released California school textbook. She described her assailants as wearing “Make America Sane Again” hats. Police were skeptical, but assigned 50 detectives to investigate the case anyway.
Well, there you have it. News that can’t be found anywhere else. Stay alert for future stories that have been buried by the mainstream media. The truth shall set you free!
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.