More news with contrarian views:
Times are a changin’
Many young people are now turning away from traditional religion and moving toward ideas found in legendary superstitions. Witch doctors, tea leaf readings and numerology are all becoming part of this new trend.
“I feel I have a gift that can help others,” said Star E. Gazer. “All that mumbo jumbo found in organized religion just doesn’t cut it for us anymore. Instead, we teach people how to achieve New Age solace in old age myths.”
Gazer says her generation also rejects capitalism because it leaves too many people behind. She prefers the equality of socialism which leaves everyone behind.
“We dismiss things that don’t work and prefer to invest ourselves in ideas that will never work.”
“People are beginning to understand that there are no gods beyond themselves,” she said. “We can master the weather, reverse aging and slow the speed of the Earth’s rotation.”
Gazer believes the climate can be cooled if enough people chant “ohm” and imagine the atmosphere becoming a gigantic Amana energy-saving refrigerator. “We really can improve our world through narcissism,” concluded Gazer. “It’s just amazing to me how older generations never figured that one out.”
Ten-year-olds sue Mother Nature
A group of young activists in Mrs. Gale Weathervane’s fourth grade class have decided to take Mother Nature to court over climate change.
“Our teacher says Mother Nature wants to alter the climate without doing an environmental impact report,” said one concerned student. “Mrs. Weathervane believes this is an illegal act, and we should do something about it.”
Mother Nature has had long-standing sovereign immunity. But one legal firm believes they have a shot.
“If we can find just one of those many partisan judges out there who doesn’t care about the law, I think our case will be heard,” remarked a paid non-attorney spokesperson for the firm of Lowe, Down and Durtee.
Mrs. Weathervane’s school is located in Obscurity, Alaska. Real estate agents there are opposed to her suit.
“Things are starting to warm up around here,” commented developer Chattel Freehold. “We could become a really hot market like Southern California if the climate continues to change. Therefore, we take the position that it’s not nice to mess with Mother Nature.”
Ms. Nature had no comment, other than to say that she will definitely have the last word on the subject.
Burnt Orange Alert
California has initiated a new warning system called the Burnt Orange Alert. It is designed to disrupt all electronic communications in the state and warn of ongoing emergencies declared by self-important people. Here’s a recent example:
“BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. A woman has kidnapped her own daughter. Be on the lookout for a white compact car. We know your chances of seeing the suspect vehicle are about the same as a giant asteroid hitting the Earth within the next 10 seconds, but look out your window anyway.”
Not everyone is happy about this type of media disruption. One person said: “I was watching a movie for two hours and ready to find out ‘who done it,’ when the screen suddenly went blank. I felt so helpless and used.”
But a state official opined that it is an important tool for stopping crime.
“Maybe you’ll never actually participate, but it’s no different than playing the lottery,” he remarked. “The difference is instead of winning money, you just might actually help some stranger enforce a family court order for which you couldn’t care less. Now that’s a good feeling which is hard to beat.”
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.