News analyst Stringer Wireman interviews Squiffy Head, president of a group called “Diapers and Doobies.”
Wireman: Squiffy, the first question I want to ask you is: How did a responsible parent like you with three kids get involved in such a controversial organization?
Head: Well Stringer, as you know, the world is changing. There was a time when I could discipline my children with a good slap in the face. But I wanted to raise kids in the modern way, which meant let them explore life to the fullest and do whatever they want without any adult restrictions.
Wireman: And how did that work out?
Head: Unfortunately, It was not what I expected. They became narcissistic, out-of-control brats with no empathy for others, whatsoever. They were driving me and my husband, Orifice, nuts. We were at our wits’ end.
Wireman: So what did you do about it?
Head: I tried to revert to old school methods, but it was too late. Our kids had the child protective services phone number tattooed on their hands. We were lucky we weren’t arrested. The case workers sternly reminded us that our children belong to the state, and that the state decides what is appropriate and what isn’t.
Wireman: But you still have to live with the kids, right?
Head: Yep. I didn’t know what to do until I read a story in one of those grocery store girly magazines — you know, the one with the former first lady’s picture that’s always on the cover? Well anyway, there was this life coach woman in there who wrote a story about how to raise your kids. I didn’t catch it all, as I was in the “10 items or less” line. But she said to keep them happy and mellow.
Wireman: So that’s what led you to support legalization of pot?
Head: Well, sure. Orifice and I have been smoking it for years, and we’re pretty mellow folks. So I figured what better way to get our kids under control? And now I had that magazine lady backing me up as evidence.
Wireman: Are you telling me you’re giving your kids pot?
Head: You bet your bones I do. They get one joint before going to school. I put another in their lunch boxes to smoke in the multi-gender restroom, and then they get one more after school. It works great. Now they have no discipline problems in school, and they’re pretty mellow at home.
Wireman: I can’t believe your doing this! What does child protective services have to say about your methodology?
Head: They think it’s fine as long as my kids don’t vape.
Wireman: Don’t you realize the harm you may be doing to your children? Are you aware of studies in Scandinavia that show MJ smoking increases risk of serious mental illness?
How about the University of Montreal study that concludes using cannabis can lead to psychosis, which can result in out-of-control violence?
Head: Nah, I don’t buy into that academic stuff. As I said before, Orifice and I have been smoking it for years, and we’re not violent. As a matter of fact, we don’t give a darn about anything — except, of course, our next dime bag — ha, ha!
Wireman: Well, that’s another point. Studies have shown that marijuana interferes with memory and motivation. Kids on this stuff usually do not perform well in school.
Head: Well, Stringer, none of our kids are very smart, and they don’t learn much in school anyway. But at least I don’t get many calls from the principal anymore. Our children get to catch up on a lot of sleep in those math classes too.
Wireman: So, do you really think legalizing pot nationally is good for kids?
Head: If Orifice and I decide to move to one of those uptight Southern states, we don’t want to get busted for trying to help our kids. But you know something, Mr. Wireman? You’re starting to sound awfully high and mighty about what I am doing. Do YOU want to put up with my little twerps in your home without the aid of doobies?
Wireman: Eh … well, now that you mentioned it, no thanks, Mrs. Head. If I decide to have kids, they’ll be protected from all this drug nonsense by raising them on a Singaporean Army base.
The character Squiffy Head and her behaviors described in the preceding satire are purely fictional.
Any attempt to duplicate her methodology can be viewed not only as prosecutable child endangerment, but unmitigated stupidity — even in California.
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.