My wife says enough is enough. But you keep asking for more. So here it is — the news you can’t find anywhere else:
After a 30-month investigation and millions of wasted taxpayer dollars, a special investigator determined that the mayor of Loco Parentis did not collude with a nearby donut shop to fix the city election.
“I am so relieved that my enemies on the city council failed to make me look like a crook,” said Mayor Forthright. “The funny part is: I don’t even like donuts!”
But his opponents are not about to give up the fight. One critical councilman claims he is in possession of “substantial evidence” that Forthright gave out free donuts to poll workers during the last election.
“My sources tell me that a malfunction was created when the sticky fingers of poll workers caused ballots to cling together that resulted in a miscount,” said Fifth District Representative Askew Rocker.
There is also suspicion that the special prosecutor was given donuts as well. Rocker believes this affected the legal counselor’s judgment. The resulting sugar high caused a short attention span, which led to omission of invaluable evidence.
However, Forthright completely dismisses these accusations. “They are now making up things so bizarre, they’re starting to sound like the Congressional Record,” he said.
“What’s next?” the 78-year-old mayor continued. “I colluded with the milk and cookies industry to lower the voting age?”
The local kindergarten teacher had no comment.
Some U.S. states ban all plastic
A handful of states have voted to ban all plastic from entering their borders.
“Plastic is the worst invention ever conceived by humans,” remarked a gerrymandered district assemblywoman.
But various manufacturers from automobiles to cell phones are perplexed as to how they will meet the demands from this unusual legislation.
A major automobile corporation announced that the only answer would be a remake of the 1934 Pierce-Arrow.
“It won’t get the mileage of a modern plastic-based car, but if we change the gear shift lever to porcelain, I think we can do it,” said the imaginative CEO.
Cell phone builder Cumquat is already gearing up for the change. The “Cumquat 12” will have a wooden case made of pressed sawdust acquired from a Lithuanian forest fire, while the touch screen will be created from recycled sewage water.
One clear-thinking pundit concluded, “If we can face one problem, we can certainly create another to fix it.”
Members of the Lone Cactus City Council have denied a permit for the Quickin Lickin Chickin Restaurant chain to set up shop in their fair city. Council members claim the business is prejudiced against the “Nudity First” group, which stands for the right of all customers to dine in their birthday suits.
“We do not allow discrimination of any kind,” said Councilwoman Ega Nuditas. “That includes all groups except, of course, people who don’t think like we do.”
A spokesperson for the restaurant chain was shocked by the decision. In a prepared statement, she said the company does not discriminate against anyone. “We welcome all those who choose to eat our delicious poultry. But realistically, we have to draw the line somewhere."
Nudity First members disagreed and protested in the flesh before a city council meeting. Some directed anger at two elected officials, who supported the permit by actually putting their clothes on.
The Quickin Lickin Chickin spokesperson continued her statement by pointing out the unsanitary conditions of allowing naked people into restaurants. ”I don’t think anyone wants to sit where some of these people have placed their bare bodkins, and I don’t use this description in the Shakespearian sense,” she said.
But the feisty Nuditas defended the group with the curt and insensitive statement of:
“That’s what God made Lysol for!”
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.