Here it is: More news to confuse and amuse.
San Sanctum declared a terrorist city
The Society for Self-Righteous Reticulans has declared the West Coast city of San Sanctum a domestic terrorist organization.
“Any place that hands out thousands of needles to drug-challenged individuals has to be declared a purveyor of crimes against humanity,” said a Society spokesperson.
“That’s about as heinous as giving guns to drug cartels. Oh … wait a minute. Don’t print what I just said. I forgot the last administration in Washington did that.”
The society also claims leaders promote deadly diseases by allowing people to poop in parks and foul city sidewalks. In addition, misdemeanor crimes have reached the point where citizens expect their cars to be burglarized and are getting ahead of the bad guys by stealing their own stuff.
But a local official called the declaration “ludicrous.”
“Our city still remains one of the most sought-after tourist attractions in the world,” she said. “Just don’t bring a car, be sure to wear a hazmat suit and watch where you step.”
Second Amendment twist
In answer to a petition by the Southern California Poverty Gun Center, Judge Rays Judicata struck down a state law which banned triggers on firearms.
In his holding, the judge ruled that banning triggers is a violation of the constitutional Second Amendment right to bear arms. However, a month later, an appellate court reversed the decision by claiming there is no right for citizens to own guns.
“It’s very clear that the right to bear arms found in the Second Amendment refers to the arms on your body, not guns,” Judge Amicus Curiae wrote in a decision for the three-member panel. “The amendment only means you have a right to show the skin on your arms in public.”
Attorneys for the state agreed. “We all have a right to keep and bear the arms we were born with and nothing else,” said an assistant to the assistant of the assistant attorney general. “I hope this puts an end to all of this gun nonsense.”
But gun advocates disagreed and vowed to continue the fight for individual rights.
“I hope we can favorably resolve this in the Supreme Court,” said one gun rights supporter. “My little garter gun works a lot better with a trigger. Snapping a cheap rubber band with a nail through it just doesn’t do the job.”
School district ignores bullying
Parents in the Latent Unidentified School District are complaining that bullying is a common practice on several school campuses.
One concerned mother revealed: “During a lunch break, my little Johnny had a peanut thrown at him. The school did nothing about it. He’s deadly allergic to those things.”
Another said she had a similar incident. As a solution, her child was sent home by a school official, who claimed it was impossible to control all the peanuts in the world — especially those dressed in top hats and spats.
But a public relations person for the District discounted these parental complaints.
“We are totally supportive of our students and do not tolerate bullying of any kind,” he told the press. But that’s not to say that bullying is all bad. For example, disgracing deplorables wearing MAGA hats, humiliating hipsters driving Hummers and condemning customers at Chick-fil-A are all still very acceptable.”
Ty N. Tackle, father of a fourth-grade student, told reporters his son refuses to be a victim at school and will not rely on anyone there to protect him.
“From now on, my boy’s going to class wearing Joe Palooka boxing gloves and a chin guard,” Tackle proudly proclaimed. “An acceptable alternative could be a football helmet and a pair of grandma-knitted, spiked mittens.”
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.