Steve Hansen gets interviewed by Tactless Times reporter, Stringer Wireman:

Wireman: Steve, I’ve been wondering, as many others have, how did a dummy like you ever get into college?

Hansen: Well, it wasn’t easy, Stringer. You see, I came from a privileged family and had to overcome a lot of advantages. I’m white, male, have five generations of ancestors in this state and had parents who were both college graduates. The only thing I had going for me was lousy grades in high school.

Wireman: Wow! I see what you mean. If it weren’t for your crummy grades, you wouldn’t have had a chance. It’s good you didn’t study like most other kids.

Hansen: You got that right.

Wireman: How did you do it?

Hansen: Well, for one thing, my father was a Navy doctor. But I didn’t put that on my application. I just said he was a sailor. My mother was a White House reporter, and I avoided that one too. I claimed she was an abused housewife, who suffered greatly taking orders from her chauvinist pig, alcoholic husband.

Wireman: You were off to a good start. But how did you get around the minority thing?

Hansen: I’m mostly Italian. So I put down on my app that I had Sicilian relatives, who would be “very disappointed” if their “ragazzo” (boy) did not get in. Capiche?

Wireman: Ah, good move. I wouldn’t mess with those guys either. So how about your college entrance exam?

Hansen: Well, that’s another story, Stringer. Obviously, spending a lot of time chasing girls in high school did not improve my college-level vocabulary. I told them I had a handicapping condition. Being left-handed and right-brained caused me to read backwards and interpret ideas from a contrarian perspective. Believe it or not, they actually bought it!

Wireman: I’ll bet that did earn you a few extra points! What about your hometown environment? How did you play that one?

Hansen: That was fairly easy. I grew up in Washington, D.C., which had a high crime rate for years. It still does — especially inside the Capitol Building, ha, ha! There was no school bus service, so I survived by taking a mean German Shepherd service dog to school. That helped me get in good with the chicks as well. They love those furry little creatures, you know.

Wireman: So, did you play the immigrant card too?

Hansen: You bet, Stringer. I told them I had to flee to a sanctuary state like California to avoid persecution on the East Coast. It was a real struggle being non-competitive while having to compete with all those rich and privileged congressional brats back there.

Wireman: I see what you mean. Well, Steve, I have to congratulate you for overcoming all your advantages and pulling this one off. But my big question is: How did you survive four years of college?

Hansen: Actually, it was seven. I took my time to avoid the Army. But those guys figured it out and got me anyway. In the meantime, I took courses that avoided written homework, such as accordion basics, floral management and puppet arts. When graduation time finally came, the university had a tough time figuring out what to call my major, so they just labeled it, “Conglomerated Communications.” The Army didn’t care, as long as I could pull a trigger.

Wireman: Steve, I have to say that maybe you weren’t so dumb after all — beating the academics at their own game.

Hansen: They just made it so easy that any idiot could figure it out.

Wireman: One last question, Steve: Do you recommend your system to others trying to get into college?

Hansen: Of course, Stringer. When you stop to think about it, is there really any other way?

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

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