OK, you keep asking for it, so here it is: The news you can’t find anywhere else:

Game player makes $1M

Recently, it was reported that 35-year-old Mooch Macintosh was paid a seven-figure sum just to sit and play video games in his mom’s basement. Video game companies are seeing this as a way to promote various online products. Colleges and universities have taken note.

“We’ve been offering degrees in such things as Ethiopian Studies and Toxic Masculinity,” said university President Ivy Leege. “But jobs these diplomas produce will never provide the incomes we need for donations to maintain our elaborate academic facilities.”

Because today’s degrees are only producing servers in urban restaurants, academic leaders are looking for alternatives to ensure major school donations for upcoming years.

“I can see us offering a Ph.D. in video game mastery with specialization in such great hits as, ‘Immortal Destruction,’ ‘Psycho Whackjob’ and ‘Electronic Rage,’” the silver-haired Leege told reporters.”

As a result, she envisioned donations from video pioneer graduates for various institutions such as the Game Girl School of Medicine, The Electronic Basement School of Biology and The Naughty Canine College of Law.

Obscene gesture ruled constitutional

Judge Rays Judicata has ruled in favor of a defendant, who had gestured a symbol of disrespect toward a police officer. It seems the cop had just issued him a ticket.

“Your honor, I tell you I don’t get no respect,” said young Officer Cronut, as she pleaded for understanding. “We have a difficult job to do, and people like this should not be allowed to treat us with such vile contempt.”

But the curmudgeonly judge disagreed and ruled the symbolic finger was an expression of free speech.

“You need to respect the First Amendment,” he told the officer. “This man has a right to express himself as he sees fit — whether you like it or not.”

Yet when out of frustration, Officer Cronut displayed the same gesture to the judge, she was immediately sentenced to 30 days for contempt of court.

“I’m glad we have a system that works for all,” remarked the acquitted defendant.

School cheating saga continues

Eschew Cheatum, one of the young ladies whose parents bribed an upper crust university into accepting her, is fighting back with a lawsuit of her own.

The university is trying revoke her degree. However, Cheatum claims she earned it fair and square.

“I’m not the only dummy who bribed her way into a fancy university,” said the 22-year-old party queen. “There are plenty of others out there. As a matter of fact, many of them are working in government, on Wall Street and in emergency rooms this very day!”

Her silk-suited lawyer defended his client’s surly attitude as a result of modern social injustice. His claim filed in federal court asserts Cheatum is not receiving equal treatment under the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

“If they accept a student who can’t do basic biology into medical school simply because he or she came from the wrong side of the tracks, then how can they justify refusing my client, who can’t do biology coming from one of Beverly Hills’ best schools?” he asked.

The university had no comment other than to state that cheating by prospective students is simply not acceptable. Admissions Director Ignoble Rotten (pronounced Row-ten) told the press that it has always been the university’s prerogative to decide who gets to cheat and who doesn’t.

“Any other method would simply destroy the integrity of our entire system,” she added.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

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