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Lauren Forcella: Obsession over bad boy comes out of nowhere

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Posted: Friday, June 19, 2015 9:42 am

Dear Straight Talk: I’ve been dating this boy for a year and five months and we are in a happy relationship. I love him very much and wouldn’t think of breaking up. But suddenly, with no warning or past history, I got feelings for this guy I don’t talk to anymore due to him being very jerky to me. I try to force myself to not think about him knowing how bad he is and how everything would be ruined. Yet my mind keeps worrying and saying, “Don’t like him. You don’t like him. You like your boyfriend.” I’d appreciate some guidance. — Stephanie, 13, Chicago, Illinois

Icis, 17, Lehigh Acres, Florida: Proximity is key in the rule of attraction. Regular occurrences of seeing someone can manipulate the mind into fancying the person. Think: Is your current relationship worth losing for a date with the bad boy? Do you like the bad boy or the thought of him? Maybe the jerky attitude is what you crave. Distance yourself physically and focus on what attracts you to your boyfriend.

Breele, 21, Los Angeles: I was once infatuated with an unavailable guy. Don’t feed the obsession during free moments. I fed mine and it made me do crazy things like stalk his girlfriend. After two draining months, I broke the spell by sticking close to friends and finding adorable things about them to focus on (try this with your boyfriend and other friends). Last year, I had a phase with a jerk. Mysterious and sexy, jerks are masters of charm, manipulation and smooth moves and have no conscience about lying, cancelling plans or standing you up. Even if you weren’t insecure originally, they’ll make you insecure! You’re not going to change a bad boy so kick the bad-boy habit while you’re young so you don’t fall for them when you’re older.

Meghan, 19, State College, Pennsylvania: You’re already doing the smartest thing: realizing the good you already have and that these thoughts are negative. Obsessions usually need to run their course, but to speed the process, fast-forward a theoretical play-out of the relationship, taking it all the way through breakup. Write out pros and cons for both relationships. Invest yourself more in your current relationship and zoom in on what you appreciate.

Samantha, 23, Toledo, Ohio: No matter how long-running a relationship, you aren’t blind or invisible. Millions of people exist, many more attractive, talented and smart than your boyfriend. Yet, you’re with him for a reason, probably several, so another guy catching your eye isn’t a big deal unless you obsess or act on it. Your boyfriend has probably seen girls he thought were beautiful, but he obviously didn’t act on his feelings. Relax.

Lisa, 23, Eugene, Oregon: Chill out and give yourself some credit. That you want to be faithful shows that your boyfriend is the one. Ending obsessive thoughts can be hard, but remember, all the time spent worrying about this guy messing things up you could be spending strengthening your relationship. Avoid him and enjoy the great guy you have!

Dear Stephanie: You’ve been blindsided by a bad boy. Welcome to the club. In your own words, you don’t know what hit you. As Breele says, they are masters of manipulation. And yes, he will ruin everything if you follow the obsession. Avoid him physically and block his texts and posts if needed. Out of sight really does aid out of mind. The panel has other good ideas as well.

How do bad boys do it? Male swag has natural sex appeal. Add the irresistible charm and manipulations of the narcissistic, psychopathic, Machiavellian bad boy (yes, all that) and many women take the bait. Unhook yourself and run! — Lauren

Ask a question at www.straighttalkadvice.org or P.O. Box 1974 Sebastopol, CA 95473. We are a youth-helping-youth nonprofit. If today’s column was helpful, please consider a donation!

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