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Wade Heath: North Pole scandals — Santa Claus tells all

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Posted: Thursday, December 26, 2013 12:00 am

A year dripping in scandal — this is the one-on-one with Santa Claus you’ve been waiting for. My annual exclusive interview with the jolly man in the red suit starts right now.

Hello, Santa. Let’s bypass the pleasantries and get right to what’s on everybody’s mind. This year the NSA scandal rocked your administration, and yet you continue to operate as usual, forging a path straight into the Christmas holiday. Don’t you owe it to those who believe in you to explain yourself?

A dancing sugar plum day to you as well, Wade. It’s always wonderful to spend some time with you during the holidays. I assume that back and body hair trimmer I left under your tree last year has been put to good use?

Uh, you must have me mixed up with someone else. At any rate, this isn’t about me. Address the NSA scandal, sir.

I’d hardly call it a scandal. The NSA, or the North-Pole Snowman Association, is made up of the leading snowmen and women in the polar region. It was they who called an emergency meeting with my top advisers to request they put a stop to our new green initiative.

You mean the green initiative to bring more fresh cut grass to the North Pole by the green firm Soilyndra?

That’s right. As you know, the surface of the Pole is whiter than my beard, and on the surface it sounded like a change everyone might enjoy a few months out of the year; but our advising board hadn’t thought about what that would do to our region’s snow families. So I put a halt to it with an exsleighcutive order.

Sounds to me like you dodged a real bullet there, Kringle.

Not at all. Things remain just as merry as ever!

Let’s move on to the Affordable Claus Act. Would you say it has been a success?

Why yes, it has. Parents all over the world who routinely supplement Christmas presents with gifts that I deliver are always asking me, “Where can we find gifts at reasonable prices?” So I had my Secretary of Elf and Human Services set up a website designed to help parents locate affordable presents in their area just in time for Christmas.

I hear the website has had nothing but problems and the promises you made have fallen through entirely. What’s your excuse for failing on such a wide-scale level?

(laughs) Wade, where did you hear that one? At the North Pole we would never take on an initiative as big as this and not ensure it worked first. It has been massively successful and parents everywhere have sent us their thanks for creating a resource as helpful as this one.

Oh wait, you’re right. I was thinking of a different website roll-out from somewhere else. My apologies.

Who would put that much time, money and resources into something, only to launch it and have it not work when so many people would be relying on it?

Agreed, Santa. Now stop trying to deflect and let’s get back to you. The GM bailout. What happened there?

Well, as many of your readers probably know, the Gingerbread Men at the North Pole are vastly different than the ones they’re used to in the states. Our Gingerbread Men are life-sized and spring to life as soon as they’re baked.

One batch of young, inexperienced Gingerbread Men left the workshop one night when their baker was preoccupied and decided to take a tour on their own.

As you can imagine, Gingerbread Men don’t have much worldly experience. When our Elf response team found them, they were surrounded by a pack of hungry polar bears. We tried our best to keep it quiet but the Polarazzi and TMZ were right there to capture it all.

Well, after a year shattered by scandal and mistrust, I bet it was comforting to get back to something routine and stable this Christmas Eve, wasn’t it, Santa?

Oh, Wade. I couldn’t wait to deliver the coalest gift I’ve ever brought to a columnist who sensationalized non-scandals just to get a headline.

What was that about coal?

I said, have a merry Christmas, my friends!

Columnist Wade Heath is the founder of Contact him at

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