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Steve Hansen: A season’s greetings letter

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Posted: Friday, December 15, 2017 12:30 pm

Hello friends and relatives: It’s been another exciting 12 months for myself and family. Life seems to be getting more and more exciting with each passing year.

First of all, our son Billy continues to advance in his career. He has moved up to the position of first chef’s helper at San Quentin.

Inmates rave about his corn beef hash, his famous gritty grubby gravy and stone-hard biscuits.

Billy’s lawyer thinks she may be able to get him a new trial. As you know, our boy always said the drugs found in his car were not his, and he’s never lied.

Our eldest daughter, Peggy Sue, got married for the sixth time, She finally found someone who doesn’t drink, do drugs or run around. It’s been a tough quest to meet her high standards, but our new son-in-law,

Pee Wee, seems to be the answer to her prayers. They were married by an Elvis impersonator in June and now live in a brush-painted, pre-owned mobile home.

Our other daughter, Susie Cue, just graduated from high school. After 10 years, her online program has finally paid off. She’s become a real math whiz and can make change for a dollar without a calculator or cash register. Because her math abilities are so advanced, Susie has been offered a job in the Congressional Budget Office.

Wife Mable still has her small business — baking brownies sold by local street merchants. Now that pot has become legal in our great state, she hopes to continue her creative enterprise without the anxiety and fear of joining Billy in the Big House.

We enjoyed traveling last summer. I always wanted to go to Rio Vista, but Mable complained that it was just too far. So we settled on Farmington. If you haven’t been there, it is definitely worth the drive.

They have a cool Shell gas station that sells everything from liquorice to lottery tickets. Next door is a historical home with a large American flag, along with a warning sign for those who do not follow the Cross.

Near that place is an old building that is half-painted but offers additional consumer products. Another home has collapsed, but it definitely makes one wonder about the history of all the couples over the years who fought bravely within its walls while imbibing numerous bottles of Annie Green Springs.

On a sadder note, our parrot, Perky Pete, left this world after being a faithful friend and long time companion. We’ll miss his sweet tunes, especially when he whistled, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

But all was not lost. Our cat, Mr. Puddy Paws, seemed to enjoy a rare and delicious meal.

As for myself, I continue to putter around the house with various projects to keep me occupied. I painted the kitchen cabinets using army surplus spray cans and repaired the front door lock using a galvanized hasp and combination paddle lock.

Mable wants to remodel, but I said maybe next year if we get a good scratch-off ticket. I’m also an avid reader. I just finished the latest issues of “Field and Stream,” along with “Guns and Ammo.”

Well, that’s what’s been happening in our neck of the woods for the past year. Hope to hear from all of you in the near future. Let us know what your kids are up to as well. We always like to know what the competition is doing.

In the meantime, we wish you all a merry Christmas, or happy holidays, or whatever your thing is, along with a great new year.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

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