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Steve Hansen: Press secretary may not be the best job for me

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Posted: Tuesday, August 8, 2017 9:50 am

President Donald Trump seems to be having trouble with his communications team.

That’s because he hasn’t hired someone like me as his press secretary. You can bet I’d take care of those hostile media mutts in a New York minute. My press conference might go something like this:

Me: Good morning problematic pundits of the press. First of all, I’d like to talk about White House accomplishments under President Trump during the last six months. The stock market is up, unemployment is down, relations with Middle Eastern allies are strong, and California has never looked loonier.

Now I’ll take your Questions. You with the “Resist!” lapel button.

Reporter: When is the president going to admit that he and Putin have the same grandparents and that their wives shop together at Nordstrom’s?

Me: Yes, I saw that story in the Times backed by unnamed sources, but there is not a word of truth to it. Actually, they have the same great grandparents, and both first ladies shop at Terri’s Thrift Store. Now, can I get a question on the accomplishments of the president? How about the lady with the “Bring Us Together” baseball cap?

Reporter: I hate Trump! I hate Republicans! I hate Congress! I hate capitalist pigs! I hate Fox News! I hate cops! I hate the NRA! I hate “hate” speech! I hate…!

Me: Yes, lady. I think I get your point. How about a question on the administration’s plan to make America competitive again? You, the guy who wrote the fake news story about the president wearing a toupee purchased at Nordstrom’s.

Reporter: I resent that accusation! I wrote that his hairpiece came from Terri’s Thrift Store! I’ve heard from leaked sources that the president has ordered Russian vodka shipped to the Lincoln bedroom.

Are you still going to deny this link to Vladimir Putin?

Me: Unlike many of you, the president does not drink. It clouds his thinking. However, I will admit I’ve tried to get him to consider medical cannabis. How about a question on our progress with Isis? You with the Che Guevara T-shirt.

Reporter: Thank you. Are you trying to tell us that the Russians didn’t throw the election for Trump? If there was no conspiracy, then why did Trump and Putin talk to each other at the G20 summit?

Me: Look, there is no conspiracy between the two leaders. But if you guys keep asking the same dumb questions, they just might get together and create one. How about a question on the president’s plan for job creation, especially for minorities? The lady with the “Hillary” sticker on the back of her laptop.

Reporter: Why did the president fire the FBI director? Was it because he was going to uncover the truth about the connection between Putin and Trump?

Me: That question is so stupid it doesn’t deserve a straight answer. You know, I don’t care what those idiot professors told you in “j” school. Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as a stupid question!

Me: Now, before I leave the podium, how about an inquiry on the president’s ideas for tax cuts or a question on less expensive and better health care? You with the clenched fist power salute.

Reporter: Are tax cuts being proposed to help rich Republicans support their Russian business partners? And are you trying to kill grandma by killing Obamacare so you’ll have more money to finance your Russian comrades?

Me: OK. That’s it! I’m outta here! Ladies and gentleman: This is my last press conference! Just think what it will be like when you don’t have Hansen to kick around anymore! (Didn’t somebody already use that line?)

Well on second thought, maybe I wouldn’t make such a good press secretary. I guess I should just leave it to the folks who have the fortitude to put up with this nonsense each and every day.

And besides, when I really stop to think about it, what do I know about Russian conspiracies anyway?

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

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