Lodinews.com

default avatar
Welcome to the site! Login or Signup below.
|
||
Logout|My Dashboard

The scoop on how an amazing Cornmobile was crushed forever

Print
Font Size:
Default font size
Larger font size

Posted: Tuesday, January 23, 2007 10:00 pm

A sellout crowd was onhand to hear Professor Ozone Roads last week, as he came to Lodi to discuss the development of the practical, everyday car. Professor Roads brought two guests with him to verify the corrupt practices of several special interests and their negative effect on attempts to create an environmentally friendly vehicle.

"We'd all be driving electric cars by now if it hadn't been for various conspiracies," stated the professor.

"Although I have absolutely no hard evidence to support any of my beliefs, I'm sure you will be a believer too, once I appeal to your emotions and your stereotypes about big business and other influential parties."

"To begin with, most of you are unaware of the conspiracy by some environmentalists to destroy the little known Japanese car company called Godzilla Motors. Godzilla had invented an electric car that could go 1,000 miles between charges. The only problem was that it pulled 1000 amps on a recharge, which was more than enough to dim everyone's lights, blow out their flat screens, and burn out their refrigerators. Godzilla hoped that the U.S. would build hundreds of power plants to support its product, but environmentalists and their attorneys stopped them at every turn," said Professor Roads.

Leaning on the financial ropes, Godzilla decided to sell their innovative machine to Colonel Motors. Because the "Electrazap" was far more expensive to produce than a traditional gasoline vehicle, Colonel decided to close down most of their assembly plants in the U.S. and move them to China, where they could build a competitive product. Unfortunately, most of the tens of thousands of employees were union members, who appealed to their congressional representatives that Colonel was out to destroy pensions, health plans and livelihoods.

As the stockholders screamed about the bad publicity, Colonel Motors decided to sell Godzilla's original product to Stalk Industries, the largest producer of corn products in America, including Flaky Flakes and Cornrow hair products. Stalk tried to convert the original car for use of ethanol, derived from their vast empire of corn products. Things began to catch on, but just like the corn, the complaints started to grow. People were upset that their favorite cereal was no longer available and that they were being forced to change hairstyles. The real problems began, however, when third world nations began to starve because there was no excess corn to sell or give them.

Stalk, reeling from the bad publicity in the worldwide press of "trying to starve the underprivileged people of the world," recalled the Cornmobiles and sent them to the crusher. Whether any of these innovative cars survived the onslaught or not is unknown.

"Despite these setbacks, we are not giving up the fight," said, Dr. Roads. "Tonight on this stage, we will reveal the next generation environmentally friendly vehicle. It weighs 15 pounds, is pedal-powered, and requires no outside source of fuel. We only need to figure out how to add air conditioning and a six-disc CD changer to make it a salable product."

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

First published: Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Rules of Conduct

  • 1 Use your real name. You must register with your full first and last name before you can comment. (And don’t pretend you’re someone else.)
  • 2 Keep it clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually oriented language.
  • 3 Don’t threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
  • 4 Be truthful. Don't lie about anyone or anything. Don't post unsubstantiated allegations, rumors or gossip that could harm the reputation of a person, company or organization.
  • 5 Be nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
  • 6 Stay on topic. Make sure your comments are about the story. Don’t insult each other.
  • 7 Tell us if the discussion is getting out of hand. Use the ‘Report’ link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
  • 8 Share what you know, and ask about what you don't.
  • 9 Don’t be a troll.
  • 10 Don’t reveal personal information about other commenters. You may reveal your own personal information, but we advise you not to do so.
  • 11 We reserve the right, at our discretion, to monitor, delete or choose not to post any comment. This may include removing or monitoring posts that we believe violate the spirit or letter of these rules, or that we otherwise determine at our discretion needs to be monitored, not posted, or deleted.

Welcome to the discussion.

Recent Comments

Posted 10 hours ago by Mike Adams.

article: Letter: People need to respect police o…

Taser? Baton? Pepper spray? Evasion? Swarm? Any of these familiar? How about falling back and deescalation ? Call for help? Why d…

More...

Posted 11 hours ago by Ed Walters.

article: Letter: Evil is always present

Tillett: Actually I was wrong both ways, neither Soul or Sole are correct. A book written by Marcus Luttrell that was tilted "Lone Su…

More...

Posted 13 hours ago by Christina Welch.

article: Letter: Voters should focus on a new di…

Goodness knows I'm on your side, Kevin. I think proportional representation is a great idea, but I'm not sure how it would work in the U.S…

More...

Posted 13 hours ago by Eric Barrow.

article: California adds new rule for passing bi…

Would just hate to see you paying those fines Ed. You know Ed big rigs pay far more in road taxes than a car does, do you feel you should g…

More...

Posted 14 hours ago by Kevin Paglia.

article: Letter: People need to respect police o…

I don't know Mike, seeing the rash of BAD choices from drivers lately has got me siding more and more with the cops needing STRICTER enforc…

More...

Video

Popular Stories

Poll

Loading…

Your News

News for the community, by the community.

Mailing List

Subscribe to a mailing list to have daily news sent directly to your inbox.

  • Breaking News

    Would you like to receive breaking news alerts? Sign up now!

  • News Updates

    Would you like to receive our daily news headlines? Sign up now!

  • Sports Updates

    Would you like to receive our daily sports headlines? Sign up now!

Manage Your Lists