A sellout crowd was onhand to hear Professor Ozone Roads last week, as he came to Lodi to discuss the development of the practical, everyday car. Professor Roads brought two guests with him to verify the corrupt practices of several special interests and their negative effect on attempts to create an environmentally friendly vehicle.
"We'd all be driving electric cars by now if it hadn't been for various conspiracies," stated the professor.
"Although I have absolutely no hard evidence to support any of my beliefs, I'm sure you will be a believer too, once I appeal to your emotions and your stereotypes about big business and other influential parties."
"To begin with, most of you are unaware of the conspiracy by some environmentalists to destroy the little known Japanese car company called Godzilla Motors. Godzilla had invented an electric car that could go 1,000 miles between charges. The only problem was that it pulled 1000 amps on a recharge, which was more than enough to dim everyone's lights, blow out their flat screens, and burn out their refrigerators. Godzilla hoped that the U.S. would build hundreds of power plants to support its product, but environmentalists and their attorneys stopped them at every turn," said Professor Roads.
Leaning on the financial ropes, Godzilla decided to sell their innovative machine to Colonel Motors. Because the "Electrazap" was far more expensive to produce than a traditional gasoline vehicle, Colonel decided to close down most of their assembly plants in the U.S. and move them to China, where they could build a competitive product. Unfortunately, most of the tens of thousands of employees were union members, who appealed to their congressional representatives that Colonel was out to destroy pensions, health plans and livelihoods.
As the stockholders screamed about the bad publicity, Colonel Motors decided to sell Godzilla's original product to Stalk Industries, the largest producer of corn products in America, including Flaky Flakes and Cornrow hair products. Stalk tried to convert the original car for use of ethanol, derived from their vast empire of corn products. Things began to catch on, but just like the corn, the complaints started to grow. People were upset that their favorite cereal was no longer available and that they were being forced to change hairstyles. The real problems began, however, when third world nations began to starve because there was no excess corn to sell or give them.
Stalk, reeling from the bad publicity in the worldwide press of "trying to starve the underprivileged people of the world," recalled the Cornmobiles and sent them to the crusher. Whether any of these innovative cars survived the onslaught or not is unknown.
"Despite these setbacks, we are not giving up the fight," said, Dr. Roads. "Tonight on this stage, we will reveal the next generation environmentally friendly vehicle. It weighs 15 pounds, is pedal-powered, and requires no outside source of fuel. We only need to figure out how to add air conditioning and a six-disc CD changer to make it a salable product."
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.
First published: Wednesday, January 24, 2007