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Steve Hansen: Some political solutions simply out of this world

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Posted: Wednesday, September 27, 2017 11:14 am

An int-ergalactic council meeting takes place on the planet Xeta Ridiculi.

Participants are trying to find a solution for the rogue planet Earth. Let’s listen in: Delegate A: Earthlings, especially Americans, have been a problem to us for centuries. There is far too much individual thinking going on.

Today, they spend most of their time playing on social media, looking for altered methods of consciousness and searching for Russian agents.

We must get them in line with universal lockstep thinking. Delegate B: Yes, you’re right. And for some reason, they always fail to implement our master plan of intergalactic collectivism. They keep running out of money. There must be some sabotage going on. It’s probably caused by those deplorable humanoids known as “conservatives.”

Delegate C: Yes, but it’s not hopeless, my fellow creatures. I have a plan to turn all of them into compliant and obedient robots.

Delegate A: What’s the plan? Please tell us.

Delegate C: It’s really quite simple. First of all, we take control of their intellectuals -- the ones who influence the social rules there.

We stamp out all diversification of ideas at established universities.

Delegate B. Yes. We teach young, impressionable and naive minds that there is only one way to think — which of course, is our way. We’ll say any diversion from our ideology is hateful. We’ll create safe spaces for them to hide from contrarian points-of view.

Delegate D: Brilliant! But how do we control contrarian ideology?

Delegate C: Don’t you see the chain? Once we grab a hold of the educational system, we will control their media and legal systems as well. College graduates will go to work at these institutions and dutifully carry out our programmed thinking.

Incidentally, don’t worry about the entertainment establishment. As one can tell from their award ceremonies, they have no original thoughts and will simply go along with whatever our agents tell them to do.

Delegate B: Yes, but what about their economic system? We can’t gain control without its destruction.

Delegate C: Very true, my dear colleague. The plan is also very simple. We’ll appeal to human greed and laziness. We’ll get as many people as possible dependent on government handouts. This will rack up debt beyond any degree of reason. Eventually, the entire system will collapse, and that’s when everyone will demand world leaders save them. At that point, we will have full control.

Delegate E: Sounds good. But what about the loose ends? What about religious beliefs, for example?

Delegate C: No problem. We’ll simply accuse these folks of being out-of-touch with modern ideas that affect human sexuality and marriage. We’ll call them “haters” and “bigots.” We’ll block any influential interests they may have in government. We’ll make people feel stupid for believing what they believe. Our versions of science and climate change will be the new replacement theologies.

Delegate F: Good. But there’s one thing we’ve left out. What about health care?

Delegate C: Again, no problem. We’ll take it over and allow no outside options. Then we’ll have full control over who lives and who dies.

Delegate B: Are there any other details that need to be covered?

Delegate C: Yes. We’ll attack any person or agency that opposes our plan. This includes creating distrust in their financial institutions and destroying confidence in the police. We’ll send their military into endless and winless wars. And by the way, disarming the people will also be an absolute must.

(Various delegates applaud and loud cheering can be heard.)

Delegate A: It’s absolutely brilliant and failsafe! We’ll have them totally under our control in just a few years! But now the only question is, my dear colleagues: When do we get started?

Delegate C: Don’t you see, my most favored friend? It should be clear to all of you by now. The plan is already in motion. And there’s nothing, yes nothing any humanoid can do to stop it. Buhahahahaha!!

(What an evil laugh!)

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

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