I'm the most uninteresting man in the world.
Back in the '40s, I was born in a Naval hospital. It really doesn't get much duller than that. At least it was on Lincoln's birthday. But they even took that away from me and called the closest Monday "Presidents' Day."
It's true I lived in China. The country was nothing like it is today. When I lived there, it made Turlock look like Beverly Hills.
Yes, I can converse some in Chinese, but that's not too exciting either. Half of the American Chinese just stare at me as if I'm speaking German. You see, there are so many different dialects and some only speak Cantonese. So I just say my piece and watch to see what kind of reaction I get. The one who understands me best is a greeter at Costco. I know a Japanese restaurant where they understand me perfectly. That's because they're faking the Japanese stuff. They're really from Hong Kong.
I also lived in Quantico, Va., home of the Marines and the FBI Academy. Now that might seem exciting to some, but you know government institutions. Everything is done by the book. They all dress alike, think alike and talk alike. As a kid, the most exciting thing to do there was to stick a fishing pole in the Potomac River and pull out an electric eel.
If we wanted to get high, we just waited for a Naval destroyer to come down the river and breathe in the diesel fumes. We didn't inhale.
President Truman used to park his yacht in front of our house on weekends. That could have been cool, and he could have invited us on board — but nooooo! Ironically, years later, his boat ended up in Stockton!
I did live in Washington, D.C for 12 years. For some, that might seem stimulating.
However, have you watched the debates lately? Isn't it exciting to watch a flock of fools point fingers and sling mud at each other? But that's just the way D.C. is every day! There're a bunch of losers in both parties who couldn't find their ways to the cloakrooms without their guiding mistresses. How boring can it get?
Of course, I can discuss my various careers. There was my gig in the Army. Intelligence work sounds thrilling, but what could be duller than writing reports on some backward country, located in the middle of nowhere that no one ever heard of?
I taught a few years in both the secondary and college settings. But obviously, I made no headway and have no work product to show for it. If you don't believe me, just ask any young person on the street to name the chief justice of the Supreme Court or "Where would you find an 'ulna'?"
I was also a psychotherapist. But even the fruits of that job can't make charming conversation at a snobby cocktail party. Most of my counseling cases went like this: 1. Wife drags husband in for counseling. 2. Wife says "fix husband," 3. I ask, "What is the problem? Is it money, substance abuse, or is he a player? Perhaps it's all three?" 4. She stares in amazement and says, "How did you know?"
Obviously, that discussion is about as exciting as a two-hour sermon spoken by an elderly preacher with halitosis.
So you see, I really am the most uninteresting man in the world. I couldn't attract young babes even if my pet mountain lion did jump on the kitchen counter.
I don't often drink beer. But when I do, I buy the cheapest junk I can find, grab my TV clicker and spin the channels — searching for any and all "Mayberry" reruns.
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.