Lodinews.com

default avatar
Welcome to the site! Login or Signup below.
|
||
Logout|My Dashboard

Beset by two bullies: Sun, humidity

Print
Font Size:
Default font size
Larger font size

Posted: Monday, July 28, 2003 10:00 pm | Updated: 12:20 pm, Wed Oct 10, 2012.

Uncontrolled burning continues without pause around here this week, as the sun releases its fury on unwary scalps and shoulders.

This would be enough, as longtime California residents recognize this as a normal characteristic of local summers.

Other characteristics include news reporters making serious faces about a heightened wildfire danger, even if they are standing in three feet of water, and a state budget dipped in molasses, routed through a Blockbuster Video line and delivered by arthritic sloths.Ben van der Meer

But until this last week, the people in charge of weather - I believe this is the United Nations, at least since World War II. Before that it was the Hapsburgs and Rockefellers, intermittently - were content to keep us Golden Skin State types in a slow-cook oven from June through October, until the insides were cooked just enough to dull us into watching the "entertainment" provided in the fall by TV networks.

What changed everything is the bit of meteorological frivolity found in the southern United States last week, when Hurricane Claudette (there is a requirement in International Hulk-sized Tropical Storm Naming that the truly notable ones - Hugo, Iniki, Andrew - must sound like foreign exchange students) took a stroll through the neighborhood and did some roofing work.

The generosity of hurricanes, though, is endless, because after Claudette huffed and blew and then collapsed, like a Democratic presidential campaign, it did decide to generously donate some humidity to the swelter-deprived West Coast.

Humidity is a fun concept where the United Nations set the general climate to "sauna" for some areas and then broke the knob. They are still debating who broke the knob and what to do about it. In the meantime, many places are oppressively humid during the summer, to the extent that swamp coolers, a weird crossbreed appliance that mixes air conditioning with a small pond, are rather popular with many folks in humid places.

Even swamp coolers, though, are capable of only so much relief in especially humid climates. A few years ago, I spent about an hour in Florida, where the humidity and the Cuban exiles compete to see who can be more oppressive and obnoxious. The hour was spent dashing back and forth through airport terminals while trying to determine whether my luggage had actually been exchanged, like a prisoner of war ("Put the Persian in the pet container on the tarmac and back away!"), between two different airlines I was using.

When you have sprinted a distance of about 100 yards four times through humidity strong enough to steal your wallet, you begin to ponder the greatness of the climate in places like Reykjavik, which is where I believe my luggage went.

These conditions created a one-two punch in this part of the state, where the two bullies of sun and humidity gave residents a figurative kick in the groin and followed it with a figurative overhand chop to the neck, and even normal figurative bodyguards, such as ice cream and air conditioning, became figurative ineffective wussies.

Thankfully, I can recommend a few measures that will help you cope with this weather. If they don't, you're doing them wrong:

  • Abandon styling gel, and instead, dip your comb or brush into a large bottle of Coppertone, applying liberally. This is specifically aimed at delusional men like myself who have yet to accept a decrease in head top cover - also known as hair - and end up with peeling scalps mistaken for dandruff storms ("Hurricane Suave").
  • In your normal laundry pattern, skip drying. Cool, damp undergarments will make you smile as others suffer. Discontinue if a freak case of summer pneumonia develops. Or mold.
  • Keep a small coterie of filled water balloons at the ready, and drop them on your head on occasion - in public, if possible. Feel free to also fling them at strangers, in the name of sharing cool, sudden relief. In more extreme instances, sacks of ice, swung like hearty golf clubs, can also be effective.
  • Set any and all thermostats to "Minnesota." Be prepared for complaints from women, if you work with any.

Above all else, remember that in our modern world, we have ways to deal with weather that make life easier. Such as writing angry letters to the United Nations. I would tell you who to write to specifically, but the heat makes me forget.

Ben van der Meer is the news editor of the Tracy Press.


Comments about this column? Send mail to the News-Sentinel newsroom.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE LODI NEWS-SENTINEL

To subscribe to the Lodi News-Sentinel, fill out our online form or call our Subscriber Services Department at (209) 333-1400.

Rules of Conduct

  • 1 Use your real name. You must register with your full first and last name before you can comment. (And don’t pretend you’re someone else.)
  • 2 Keep it clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually oriented language.
  • 3 Don’t threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
  • 4 Be truthful. Don't lie about anyone or anything. Don't post unsubstantiated allegations, rumors or gossip that could harm the reputation of a person, company or organization.
  • 5 Be nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
  • 6 Stay on topic. Make sure your comments are about the story. Don’t insult each other.
  • 7 Tell us if the discussion is getting out of hand. Use the ‘Report’ link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
  • 8 Share what you know, and ask about what you don't.
  • 9 Don’t be a troll.
  • 10 Don’t reveal personal information about other commenters. You may reveal your own personal information, but we advise you not to do so.
  • 11 We reserve the right, at our discretion, to monitor, delete or choose not to post any comment. This may include removing or monitoring posts that we believe violate the spirit or letter of these rules, or that we otherwise determine at our discretion needs to be monitored, not posted, or deleted.

Welcome to the discussion.

Recent Comments

Posted 7 hours ago by William Dawes.

article: Pat Patrick: Where will Lodi be in 2020?

Now, it will turn into an extension of Stockton, even with the Green zone between us. Thugs are already moving into the area, and once the…

More...

Posted 11 hours ago by kathy grant.

article: Cleaning Lodi Lake by kayak

Thank you, Sara and Bea, for your very fresh story and pictures of the Lodi Lake Cleanup. You really captured the energy of the day. Ver…

More...

Posted 17 hours ago by Steve Schmidt.

article: Letter: Evil is always present

Is it possible, I wonder, that Ms Aquino has confused ISIS with some sort of ethnic group? To be clear Ms Aquino, ISIS is a military org…

More...

Posted 17 hours ago by Steve Schmidt.

article: Letter: Evil is always present

Very well put.

More...

Posted Yesterday by Jien Kaur.

article: Letter: Evil is always present

"a group subhuman and evil like weve never imagined" Miss Aquino - have you never seen picture or read account of the German Na…

More...

Video

Popular Stories

Poll

What would you like to see in Lodi's parks?

Lodi's Parks, Recreation and Cultural Services Department is hosting a public workshop at 7 p.m. at Hutchins Street Square to find out how it can better meet the needs of the community. What would you like to see in Lodi's parks?

Total Votes: 14

Loading…

Your News

News for the community, by the community.

Featured Events

Mailing List

Subscribe to a mailing list to have daily news sent directly to your inbox.

  • Breaking News

    Would you like to receive breaking news alerts? Sign up now!

  • News Updates

    Would you like to receive our daily news headlines? Sign up now!

  • Sports Updates

    Would you like to receive our daily sports headlines? Sign up now!

Manage Your Lists