It ain't all that politically correct to make fun of the government - especially if you happen to be a squarehead from North Dakota who isn't supposed to know how much incredible trouble we are in for.
But one of my favorite pastimes is to look upon the leaders of this Republic in shock and awe as I consider the fact that, despite the prognostications of gloom, doom and worse by the purveyors of the gospel according to them, all we can expect is despair and utter hopelessness or total extinction, depending on the choices we make.
This is especially true if we make the incredibly idiotic choice of voting them out of office, because the sun rises and sets on their collective buns, if you take 'em at their word. They have the power to make the seas rise and fall and your bank account fall, period.
It is my personal belief that the Creator of us all has a sense of humor and an unlimited sense of forbearance. Were that not so, the whole human race would have been vaporized years ago and the politicians would been the first ones to experience the sizzle.
No Joshua, no Jericho.
As one of my good friends would say, "I'll tell you what … if I was the ruler of the world … " Then he goes on to tell you how long ago his patience would have lapsed into rage and the result would be damp little puddles of radioactive protoplasm in the dirt all over Washington.
What brought on this little rant? I Google way too much, and found a site called the "Drudge Report," and that's where the truth lurks. For one thing, Drudge mentioned this morning that New York City hasn't had a summer this cold for 140 years.
For quite some time we have been told by those Washington protagonists there will soon be global warming of epic proportions to the degree Times Square will be under 20 feet of the very water that once swirled around the North Pole. Instead, it will scud around the Empire State Building's second and third floor. I hear Barbara Boxer bought her hip boots already, size 2 (at the Barbie Doll Outlet).
We were told that ocean-front property on this coast will be sold piecemeal as upscale Martha's Vineyard type homesites up around Jackson and Angels Camp. The Hollywood elite are already reserving their lots this side of Arnold - not him, the town.
On the other hand, we were told that there will be an upsurge in employment so profound, you should put in an application for work on behalf of your third-grader now, because with the stimulus packages touted by the Inside the Beltway Children of Greater Knowledge Than You, every citizen of the world will be working his overtime fingers to the bone just to stay ahead of the demand for skilled labor - and for that matter, unskilled labor, and for that matter skilled-as-hell labor. But the political jobs, for some unknown reason, are already taken.
No one has mentioned what all those busy people will be manufacturing or where we will get the money to buy such goods, but it will be wonderful.
In the meantime, the Creator of us all is sitting on His throne with His head in His hands saying, "That's not what I meant."
There is a joke going around (and I will spare you the modern version) that talks about God on His throne with Jesus at His right and Saint Peter at His left and the President of the United States approaches. He says to God, "Lord, I believe you are sitting in my chair." And St. Peter says, "Lyndon, for goodness sake!"
Presently there are tons of governmental catastrophes just waiting to happen: health care reform, tax reform, education reform, prison reform, reform school reform, you name it.
One bombed already. It is the "cash for clunkers" debacle. As is their wont, the experts in Washington miscalculated greatly and discovered a program that was supposed to go until November, crashed and burned the first week. One of the big problems here is that the dealers, who were issuing the $4,500 per clunker bounty, were obliged to render such clunkers inoperable immediately after they issued the check to the owner; now there are thousands of sabotaged, but paid for cars that can't be driven away; they won't start. Perfect. Where is a soon-to-be-named Car Czar when you need him/her most? Nancy, save us!!
"Reform" means what you think it means: "The Relatively Cheap will be Rendered Horribly Expensive." Or: It works just fine, but when we get through with making it better, it'll run as smoothly as an already-bought clunker.
You know, really quiet.
In other Drudge news from space, a Japanese astronaut didn't change his underwear for a month. What he had on was designed to resist the rigors of lengthy space travel, the anti-static, flame-resistant, odor-eating, bacteria-killing, water-absorbent smalls (British for briefs) have been put through their paces as part of a project aimed at ensuring that future space travelers will need only minimal space in their suitcases. They'll be called shorts and nose plugs wallets.
Several years ago, one of my imbibing patients in Rio Vista went on a bath and clothing change strike for a few weeks. His friends from the bar and some firemen down at the firehouse took him out behind the building and washed him down right proper with a full-blast firehose. He considers cleanliness is next to godliness now that most of his skin has grown back. His undies, however, didn't make it. They weren't Japanese.
Bob Bader is a Lodi writer and chiropractor.