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Crash victim's family told to remove memorial in Clements

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Posted: Tuesday, July 8, 2008 10:00 pm

After her only daughter was killed in a fiery alcohol-related crash last year in Clements, Tamra Scott was left trying to figure out how to grieve.

Before long, a memorial sprang up on Atkins Road for Crystal Marie Carson-Scott, 25, not far from memorials for the two men who were in the car that crashed into hers.

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Welcome to the discussion.

74 comments:

  • posted at 3:47 pm on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    mainframe- not to start anything but if you scroll down you will see that the orginal idea for a tree, by WY was to be on the actual site. Wy said to ask permisssion. Lodian suggested that the property owner purchase and donate the tree...that is where the tree thing got started...

     
  • posted at 2:09 pm on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    May God have mercy on your soul.

     
  • posted at 2:09 pm on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam wrote on Jul 16, 2008 6:27 PM:"mainframe, wanna pick a fight? I am not interested at all." sam,That's bull! You pick a fight every time someone even mentions a tree for God's sake. You are the one that is hell bent on starting a fight here, sam. I just stopped your attack and now you don't like it as the tables have been turned on you. You can't back up your criticism of another poster's comments, or keep your attacks in check, so you fall back on the old condescending garbage. What a surprise. Someone bites you back and you run while calling foul. I say, good! Go ahead and run. You and your holier than thou act is wearing thin anyway. We all know the scoop, sam. I doubt anyone ever wanted to plant a thing on your patch of dry weeds. Get over yourself. Maybe someday you will feel the kind of pain this mother feels now and then you will know how petty your little tree concern is here on this thread. I feel sorry for you. You are a very cranky bitter person. You don't deserve a tree.

     
  • posted at 1:44 pm on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    Sam, I rarely agree with you, but you are absolutely correct. What happened is an absolute tragedy, but to build a perpetual memorial along neighbors property is going overboard. Purchase care bear's, put a memorial on your mantel or ?, but don't subject everybody else to your tragedy. I am very sorry for there loss.

     
  • posted at 1:27 pm on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    mainframe, wanna pick a fight? I am not interested at all. You have a good night and I pray you find some peace.Peace out.

     
  • posted at 1:22 pm on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam,The point is that you are attacking people for making a nice comment. You are attacking people that never said a thing about planting a tree on someone land. God forbid...a tree! How awful! Your comebacks are nasty, rude and inconsiderate of the person that lost her daughter. Jesus have some tact. Who cares how much land I own anyway. Wanna bet I own more than you? Jesus what a stupid argument you started. You are so nasty about this tree planting thing. Maybe you shouldn't post here on this thread. Spare us your bitter attitude. Did someone plant a tree for you on your "land"? What a jerk, huh?

     
  • posted at 11:56 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    mainframe, I am a land owner who has had memorials on my property for people I have never met. My point is plant the tree on your own property and stop making it sound like the property owner "owes" the mom the right to have a permanent memorial on his property.Obvious you are not a property owner. Do you own a house? If an accident happened in front of your house and the car landed on your front lawn, do you want a permanent marker there? I think not.

     
  • posted at 11:20 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam, People grieve in different ways. Just because you want a tree by a bench doesn't mean it would be something another person might want. The mother here obviously still has a deep need to be where her daughter lost her life. People move on in their own time. You deal with your loss one way and this mom deals with it in her way. Neither way of grieving is wrong. Leave this grieving mother alone for God sake.

     
  • posted at 11:15 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    Jesus sam, stop being so snippy with people about the tree. People have been saying a tree is a nice idea. THAT'S ALL! Geez, give it a rest. Lee never said to plant the tree on the owners property. Relax.

     
  • posted at 8:50 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    0390dca, I agree. With the loved ones I have lost I could not even imagine going to the place where they died to remember them. That seems horrific and extremely depressing.I prefer to sit in my yard with my wind chimes named for some and newly planted trees named for others, and get lost in all the wonderful memories I have of them.I planted a rose garden for my Grandma and I swear I can feel her there when I am there. It is so peaceful.

     
  • posted at 8:09 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    I agree with you sam, the tree should go by the bench. Celebrate her life, not where she died.

     
  • posted at 5:51 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    Or best idea, plant the tree in the Mom's backyard next to her daughter's memory bench. Heck maybe even a wind chime too.

     
  • posted at 5:49 am on Wed, Jul 16, 2008.

    Posts:

    Sounds great, Lee. But plant it in your yard, not on the private property of the land owner.

     
  • posted at 7:18 pm on Tue, Jul 15, 2008.

    Posts:

    I like the idea about a tree in memory of the victim.

     
  • posted at 12:06 pm on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    No problem... I still love those old CCR tunes. Good stuff!

     
  • posted at 11:55 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Hey Lodian , thanks for the CCR "Stuck In Lodi" youtube link.You had us here all rocking. Love those memories.

     
  • posted at 11:54 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Amen, Lodian.

     
  • posted at 11:49 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam: Thank you. I understand. My hope and prayer for this mother, you or anyone dealing with such a loss, is that you can find peace and remember the good times with the loved ones lost. It's a pain that is most severe and a heart takes a long time to ease in feeling that excruciating pain from the loss. Prayers to all.

     
  • posted at 11:48 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Thanks Lodian.

     
  • posted at 11:45 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    If I knew where to send the tree I would send you a birch tree with three trunks in memory of your 3 dear family members.

     
  • posted at 11:43 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Lodian, nothing you said offended me nor hurt my feelings. I thought your words were very kind. You have nothing to apologize for.I was just trying to offer a point of view from the property owners side. I obviously did not do a very good job.

     
  • posted at 11:34 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam: I'm so very sorry for your loss. That's just horrible. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I did not know that you were grieving. Forgive me if I said anything that hurt you at this difficult time in your life. On these boards one never knows what is really going on in another's life. And of course no one "needs" to do anything for anyone. I don't believe I ever said that, but I do believe it would be a kind gesture to offer something to help this grieving mother, as I stated earlier. I'm sure you could relate to such a lovely gesture and would be grateful. That would possibly help a broken heart to move on and remember the good times and not the bad. It's really unfortunate that my extension of kind words was misunderstood. I'll try to articulate myself better next time. My words came from a good place and are sincere. Please take them as such.

     
  • posted at 10:58 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Lodian, I am not mad at all. However in the past 5 weeks we have lost 3 family members... all young with babies, so maybe I am over sensitive. My point is why should the property owners be expected to do something?People should not say "so and so needs to do this." If someone thinks something should be done, then they should just do it.

     
  • posted at 10:47 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam: Maybe I am reading your posts wrong, but you seem irritated. Is there something wrong?

     
  • posted at 10:45 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam wrote on Jul 14, 2008 3:39 PM:" Then just DO IT, lodian. "sam : Do what?

     
  • posted at 10:39 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Then just DO IT, lodian.

     
  • posted at 8:57 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    WY wrote on Jul 13, 2008 9:47 PM:"Why does the property owner need to do this deed?..."WY: No one "HAS" to do anything, but wouldn't it be better if more folks would come out of that mindset and reach out to others? A grieving mother is still hurting from the loss of her little girl. More compassion would go a long way in helping this mother.

     
  • posted at 7:09 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam wrote "Lodian, what an amazing gesture it would be if you presented the mom with a tree or a lovely rose bush to be planted in her yard next to the beautiful bench she was given."sam: Yes, it would be something very kind of you to do. Parents that lose children will grieve for a very long time, probably forever. It's unfortunate that someone close to this mother/family/situation can't help this mother to move on a little bit more from the pain of the actual crash site.

     
  • posted at 4:51 am on Mon, Jul 14, 2008.

    Posts:

    Thanks WY. As a property owner I do not want to plant trees for people who crash and then run off the road onto my land. The accident happened on the road, not the field. Plus three victims ago, the driver was killed BECAUSE of the tree planted near the road.Lodian, what an amazing gesture it would be if you presented the mom with a tree or a lovely rose bush to be planted in her yard next to the beautiful bench she was given.

     
  • posted at 4:55 pm on Sun, Jul 13, 2008.

    Posts:

    WY: Why not plant a tree or just offer a tree? It's just a tree to anyone else, but to the grieving mother/family it could mean a lot. It's just a simple considerate suggestion.

     
  • posted at 4:47 pm on Sun, Jul 13, 2008.

    Posts:

    Why does the property owner need to do this deed? It might not be that they want a tree to remind them on their property, so make it effortless for the land owner. :)

     
  • posted at 1:16 pm on Sat, Jul 12, 2008.

    Posts:

    It would be a lovely gesture if the property owner donated a tree to be planted in that location. I bet the grieving mother would be extremely touched and enjoy seeing the beautiful tree flourish on that site every time she passes by. It may help sooth her soul and start to heal her broken heart.

     
  • posted at 11:11 am on Sat, Jul 12, 2008.

    Posts:

    sigguy228; well said. unfortunatly until it hits home for them they will be on the other side of the fence. its sad that the desire to comment negatively in lodis blogs overcomes the way our true feelings for others should be.

     
  • posted at 10:01 am on Fri, Jul 11, 2008.

    Posts:

    gwtreece6869: I think the grieving mother should be given more time to have this memorial in it's current location. IMO

     
  • posted at 2:26 am on Fri, Jul 11, 2008.

    Posts:

    Yes it is tragic that she lost her daughter and yes I think a roadside memorial is acceptable. But this one has gotten out of hand. An umbrella and solar lights is taking the memorial over the top.

     
  • posted at 2:19 am on Fri, Jul 11, 2008.

    Posts:

    Lodian and WY, a tree is a wonderful idea. Whenever one of my friends lose a family member, I send them a baby tree to plant in memory of their loved one. The tree does NOT have to be planted where she died. Her Mom should plant it next to the beautiful bench she was given. It is a very healing way to memorialize someone.

     
  • posted at 7:53 pm on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    I know it is a beautiful thing to plant a tree or move on with ones grief and try to remember the good times when a loved one was alive and well. I also can understand why a mother would want to have a memorial at the place where her precious little girl took her last breath. It's only natural as that is the place her daughter met God. I sure feel for this mother. Maybe the land owner can be of help and take some of these ideas into consideration. It would help this grieving mother. Can't we all be considerate of the pain this mother is feeling?

     
  • posted at 6:42 pm on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    The untimely and tragic death of a loved one is always difficult to deal with. However, the practice of establishing roadside memorials has gotten out of hand and has become cliche. Roadside memorials have even been established for those killed due to their own negligence with no other vehicles involved. The only significant ones are those located in areas that are a constant hazard for drivers, drunk, sober or otherwise.This mother needs to memorialize her daughter in a more significant way as suggested by several commentators. Her daughter, I'm sure, deserves more than a collection of "stuff" at the side of the road to be remembered by.

     
  • posted at 5:38 pm on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    You might plant a tree to grow in place of the plastic flowers and solar lights. Ask the land owner if you can inhance thier property in memory of her with a beautiful tree that will grow big with life. Maybe something that flowers. :) I agree with Verity, That's what memorial parks are for. With all due respect.

     
  • posted at 10:09 am on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    Having been raised by a drama queen, I am fully aware that many people set up these roadside memorials because of the mindset that "Nobody has evah suffuahed a loss like I."Well, we have. And yes, we all grieve differently, but there is a time to gather your garments about you and slip quietly into the cloak room to make your peace. IMHO.

     
  • posted at 2:46 am on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    And while I mean no disrespect, am I the only one curious why in the cases of the death of a child it has become necessary to identify him/her as an "only son/daughter"? I have often wondered if there would be any difference if there were other siblings of the same gender who were still living. Is the loss of an only child more of a tragedy than one who leaves a brother or sister behind?

     
  • posted at 2:38 am on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    PaulD said A small white cross is generally considered acceptable, as long as it doesn't infringe on local property owners' rights.I seem to notice what is now a constant memorial at the site near where a Lodi police officer was killed quite a few years ago. This is also on private property along Kettleman Lane. Over the years flowers have been replenished along with items other than an acceptable small white cross.

     
  • posted at 12:59 am on Thu, Jul 10, 2008.

    Posts:

    SAM . . .if the property owner has no problems with it and the gatherings are limited to reasonable hours. However, I must admit you had some very good suggestions as an alternative way to memorialize her daughter.

     
  • posted at 9:28 pm on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I remember reading about the crash and the victims. Unfortunately in these situations the outcomes are never good. As a law enforcement officer I have many goals for my career. One is stopping drunk drivers. I see memorials everyday regarding loved ones lost. I don't know Tamara, her daughter, or any of her family. What I do know is I've seen what losing a loved one has done to people regarding people who drink and drive, both from a law enforcement and personal point of view. I've had to accompany my girlfriend to a funeral service of one of her friends who died in an alcohol related car crash. I really didn't know her friend however it made me wish that I worked that night and thought if I did I could have atleast saved her. The memorial that was put up in her honor by her friends kept on growing. That only showed me how much her friend was loved. So to the ones that have a problem with the memorial, God forbid you have an officer tell you your child is no longer due to a drunkdriver.

     
  • posted at 7:01 pm on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    tammyl: Unfortunately those people exist. Try not to waste your energy on those that are so nasty. They don't even deserve a minutes thought.

     
  • posted at 6:03 pm on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    For the person that help them self to some of the things that didn't belong to them that were taken from Crystal'sMemorial, you should be ashamed of your self, how can you live with yourself...If I was you I would start praying to God for forgiveness.

     
  • posted at 4:05 pm on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I don't know who you are Mr. PaulD and i wouldn't want to know you. Obviously you haven't lost a loved one so you have no idea the pain and suffering you go through when you do. You are a heartless, cold person. Maybe you should "suck it up" and keep your comments to yourself. I think you owe an apology to my friend and her family. You are a sorry excuse for a human being.

     
  • posted at 3:53 pm on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    Heartless? If they were heartless they would have either removed it themselves or complained a lot sooner. This memorial grew and grew and grew. No one objects to the crosses. They are a simple reminder of the tragedy that occured on this spot.

     
  • posted at 1:22 pm on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    contentado wrote "...drunks already know drunk drivers are dangerous, and they do it anyway."That's the truth. What a shame.

     
  • posted at 11:03 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    Actually, if anyone creates a memorial fund for Crystal it should be the family of the drunk driver and maybe a fund/memorial for the second victim (who is never mentioned and was a passenger)- there are three families who lost loved ones that day.

     
  • posted at 10:56 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    My heart and - prayers go out to Crystal's mom and family. I have told my family NOT to ever memorialize me where I died....I want to be remembered where I LIVED. Visit the people and places where the joy was...that is where you will find my "spirit" and memory. Not in a patch of God-forsaken weeds. An umbrella and candles will not stop the drunk driver - they don't care what happened there because drunks already know drunk drivers are dangerous, and they do it anyway.

     
  • posted at 9:57 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I am reading this story and trying to fight the tears back. Yes it has been a year almost, but when you loose a family member you never completely stop grieving or being destroyed inside.Let the Tamra have her memorial, She lost her DAUGHTER. Not a cat or dog, HER BABY GIRL!! I have seen it and think it is a reminder how dangerous these country roads are. Especially this time of year when school is out and teens are party. Where is the love? Remove it are you kidding me, how is this hurting the neighbors? To the residents on the street, you are heartless! What if it where your loved one.

     
  • posted at 9:53 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I believe that everyone has the right to grieve in their own way. NO ONE NOT EVEN PAULD HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL SOMEONE THAT HAS LOST A LOVED ONE IN A TRAGIC ACCIDENT TO "SUCK-IT-UP!" hOW DARE YOU!!! Obviously you have a very cold heart. All I have to say is KARMA BABY!!!

     
  • posted at 9:27 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I would like to thank everyone who has been posting their comments, and compassion in what they have posted whether they were agreeing or disagreeing as to this memorial! God bless you all!

     
  • posted at 8:45 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    These neighbors obviously have noting else better to do except complain about things that really don't affect them. I could see if the people that were gathering around the memorial were causing crime but the news article did not state such a thing. These "neighbors" need to get a life.

     
  • posted at 8:12 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    PaulD wrote on Jul 9, 2008 10:18 AM:"I believe Ms. Scott should "Suck-it-up"PaulD: You seem like a very nasty person.

     
  • posted at 8:11 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    sam: you had some great ideas.

     
  • posted at 7:44 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    Crystal's mom should contact MADD. Perhaps she can make a donation in Crystal's memory. The memorial in the picture was obviously created with love, but it's a little unkempt.

     
  • posted at 5:45 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I feel for Ms. Scott but this just got out of hand. At one point there were three umbrellas, a white picket fence, a white metal chair and candles. I don't think anyone complained until it grew to "shrine" magnitude. A small cross would be appropriate.

     
  • posted at 5:27 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I believe PaulD has hit the nail right on the head!

     
  • posted at 5:18 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I believe Ms. Scott should "Suck-it-up", and give it some closure. Her insistance on maintaining an eyesore, cluttering the property of local residents, could end up clouding her message, thereby defeating her purpose. A small white cross is generally considered acceptable, as long as it doesn't infringe on local property owners' rights.

     
  • posted at 4:48 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    From what I see it's in the middle of no where not in someone's front yard. Let her keep a scaled down version there. Personally I would want to remember how they lived not how they died but let her mom mourn how she wants.

     
  • posted at 4:23 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    reb5, I have to agree. If the Mom wants a cross great, but put it in her yard. That way when the people gather during the night she can join in. I would not like people gathering in my yard during the night and I would not like some one else's cross in my yard. Just does not seem right.Verity is right. Maybe the cross could be put in a memorial park.

     
  • posted at 3:49 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    Instead of a perpetual shrine like this one maybe you could set up a recovery house to help those fighting alcohol and/or methamphetamine addiction. From what I heard and read, that would have benefited just about everyone involved in this horrible tragedy.

     
  • posted at 3:39 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I was a lucky one and was able to walk away from a drunk driver hitting my car. If all the mother wants is a cross for a memorial, I saw give it to her. I know if I did not walk away from that accident my parents would want a memorial for me.

     
  • posted at 3:24 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    In the last 3 years I have had 3 family members die in car accidents, I understand the pain of losing a loved one in such a tragic way. And I understand the need to remember them BUT having people upset because you choose to grieve a certain way isn't right. I personally had a grief bear created: http://www.carriebears.com/ these are a great comfort.Also I have memorial stickers on my car on my back window so every time I look in my rearview mirror I remember them and how being in my car can be a dangerous place.

     
  • posted at 3:21 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    zinfandel, so her memorial with solar lights, umbrella and groups gathering at all hour of the night would be ok in YOUR front yard?I do not mean to sound caulous. I am curious.

     
  • posted at 3:06 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    We all grieve in our own way . . .and that should be respected.

     
  • posted at 3:03 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    sorry.. I meant "create a scholarship"

     
  • posted at 3:02 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    If I remember right, didn't she leave behind a younger brother who she adored? Start an MADD chapter in her name and concentrate on educating the very young. Make her memory glorious. Make it so amazing that when someone hears her name they smile. God Bless You.

     
  • posted at 3:02 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    My brother did not die in Lodi nor was he buried here. When I want to reflect on his life I sit in my backyard by his memorial and get lost in all the wonderful memories we shared. I would never think to go to his place of death to celebrate his life. If you keep going to the site of her death you are perpetuating the memories of the horror of her death. I do not know your daughter but I do believe she would not her life's legacy to be that fiery crash.

     
  • posted at 3:01 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I am sorry for her loss, but I would not want that memorial on my property or in my yard.Tamra, here is an idea. Memorialize your daughter's life, not her death. Pick her passion and support it in her honor. Did she loves pets? Open a dog rescue IN HER NAME. Did she love school? Great a scholarship IN HER NAME. When my brother died I built a memorial in my yard to honor HIS LIFE. I also support a scholarship created in his name.

     
  • posted at 2:51 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    I sympathize with Tamra and offer my condolences. However, these memorials are an eyesore and should be removed from public places. That's why we have "memorial parks" and cemetaries in which to remember our loved ones. I just lost my dad last week, but I'm not going to set up my own private memorial for him at the place where he died. I'll remember him in my heart first of all, and then at his grave-site when I need to.

     
  • posted at 2:21 am on Wed, Jul 9, 2008.

    Posts:

    This is a very tough decision when we have lost a loved one, regardless of why they died!

     
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