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You'd better watch out . . .

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Posted: Tuesday, December 7, 2010 11:30 am

So I'm doing some Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago and ran across a really cool book at Barnes & Noble. So tempted was I to buy it, that I almost did. Then I saw that it was published in 2008 and B&N wanted top dollar for it, so I went home and ordered it from Amazon. Used. Like New. Saved a bundle. Hopefully the person who gets this book from me for Christmas doesn't read my blog.

Sorry Barnes & Noble. I did spend big bucks on another book, but this book is more of a gag gift and not worthy of big bucks.

But it is worthy of discussion.

Have you ever bought a book as a gift for someone and read it before you wrap it up and give it to them? No?

You're lying.

We all do it. Not always. I mean, if I pick up a 500 page novel that's going to someone the next day, I'm obviously not going to read it first. I'll just ask to borrow it when the recipient is finished reading it. Readers are like that. Once, a long-awaited book came out right as my BFF had a birthday; I bought her the book: She handed it right back and said to read it since she was in the middle of something.

That's friendship.

Anyway - this book just tickled my snarky bone. It's called "Santa Responds: He's Had Enough . . . and He's Writing Back!" The author is listed as Santa. The book was published in Canada.

What appear to be normal letters to the man with the bag get scrutinized by a weary and jaded Santa who's tired of hearing how "good" these kids have been before pouring out the list of desired consumer-driven garbage.

Not only does he tell the kids what he thinks of them, their choices, and their families . . . apparently he can also see into the future and foretell how these kids' lives will turn out.

He absolutely knows who's been naughty or nice, and exactly how naughty and to whom. He knows who's gonna grow up to be a crook, an accountant, or a hooker. And he has serious issues with Barbie and her ahem . . . underdeveloped . . . boyfriend Ken. Although he will hand out a Barbie doll in a heartbeat rather than a Bratz Doll. Apparently, those are just evil.

He's very critical of bad grammar, especially when it comes from an 18-year-old kid (who is NOT mentally challenged . . . just lazy and weird).

He also has no patience for kids who rat out their siblings in hopes of getting a bigger haul. He sees right through that ploy and heaps the goods on the underdog. Same with lying. Try to embellish your good deeds to the big guy and you'll get squat.

Also, although Santa seem to be a pretty proprietary guy, with copyright rules up the yang at the beginning of the book I'm going to give a quick peek at one of the less offensive letters.

Dear Father Christmas,

I have been very good all year. What is it that you would like for Christmas?

Your chum, Nigel, 10 years old.

Santa seems delighted with this one.

Dear Nigel,

Why, thank you!

In all the millions of letters I've received over the centuries requesting this and demanding that, no one has ever once asked me what I would like - until now. What I would like is a pair of knickers that don't crawl up my arse when I'm dropping down a chimney. I don't want to have to see that creepy Mr. Bean ever again. I want stupid people to stop voting. I'd like a retirement age that comes sooner than my 750th birthday. I'd like Coca Cola to stop using my image in adverts since I only drink Diet Pepsi. And I'd like half a quid for every copy of The Night Before Christmas that is sold.

And since you were kind enough to ask, I'm going to be bringing you everything you want this Christmas - despite your lie about being good all year.

Manners do matter,

Father Christmas

Now isn't it nice to know that Santa does, indeed read our letters? And isn't it nice that I shared this tidbit with you? Actually, many of the letters are much funnier than this one - but, once again, I can't cross the line with certain language on this blog. Just buy the book and enjoy the sarcasm.

Just don't tell the Canadians - you know how they are.