Learning to let go……

I had an eye-opening experience last week.  I joined a group of N4Ms (Navy for Moms.com) friends in Southern California to watch as our sons/husbands/boyfriends completed a grueling week of training. 

Some of the group arrived in Southern California earlier in the week wanting to watch what they could of the training that would occur all week and in various locations.  I wanted to be there at the end of the week to take care of my son and help him with his recovery as much as I could.  But when they called me on Sunday night so I could hear the beginning of Hell Week I was so torn between wanting to be there and knowing that it wasn’t something that was meant to be a “spectator” event.  

My friends sent me emails and text messages throughout the week to keep me informed of what was going on and how the training was going.  On the first full day of training I received a text from a friend who said I should be glad I wasn’t there because it was so hard watching the boys enduring such harsh weather conditions. Sideways rain, wind, chilly temperatures, and the ocean was rough and unforgiving and it just didn’t stop.  Knowing that, I was glad that I wasn’t there that day.  We later learned that this was the worst weather in 4 years that a class had experienced during Hell Week. 

My best friend and I drove to Southern California and joined the group on Thursday; it was so great to meet the women that I had been emailing and texting with in person.  They were all just as wonderful and friendly as they had seemed to be, and we had a wonderful dinner getting to know each other.  After dinner we went to the beach to try and watch what we could of the last activity that our boys would be doing.  This was done at night and we had to use binoculars to try and see them.  We were only able to see the faint glow from the glow sticks they wore around their necks, but we were so excited to know they were out there and so close to finishing this week of training.  We raced around to try and see them in another location but missed them.  Then we went to one of the final locations where we knew they would stop and waited, and waited, and waited and waited.  A tradition during this last activity is to somehow get food and snacks out to the boys.  We happened upon a group that was taking food out and purchased hamburgers, protein drinks, and gatorade to add to their “loot”. 

But as I sat there waiting for the boys to come around the corner I began to realize that this was somewhere that I wasn’t meant to be.  It wasn’t a soccer game, a swim meet, or a school performance.  This was part of the training that my son had been dreaming of doing for the past year and a half; it was the first major test of his commitment and ability to achieve his goal and position within Navy Special Warfare.  He didn’t need or want his mom there; it was his time and moment to shine and prove to himself what he was capable of doing.  I would be there at the end, when he was able to see me, but I didn’t want to see him or have him see me that night.  So my friend and I left and went back to our hotel. The others stayed late into the night and saw the boys stop. They said it was an incredible sight.  

The next day, the other moms felt bad that I hadn’t been there to see the boys, and I told them I had realized that I didn’t want to see my son until he was done.  For me, it was time to let go, maybe not completely, but enough to let him fly on his own. I would celebrate his accomplishments with him afterwards. 

My son completed his training last week, and I have never been as proud of him as I was last Friday.  He was sore, tired, and had trouble walking, but the smile on his face was from ear to ear.  Over a hundred had tried to complete the training, and only about half finished it.  They have joined a select group. While they have many more months of training before them, and not all will complete it, they are warriors, and I am very proud of all of them.

*** This blog posting was reviewed by the Navy prior to publishing, as were all the other postings.***