The clerk and I skirmished over the calendar she said was insensitive

The other night, I received a phone call from a chain bookstore. They asked me to return a recently purchased 2010 calendar for a defect.

It contained 12 satirical pictures, each titled with spoofs on politicians along with jokes about politically correct sacred cows.

The next morning, I handed the glossy item in question to the clerk. She was an older woman with a graying hair bun. Her glasses hung from a thin gold chain.

"Let me see that, sir," the woman ordered. I handed her the still shrink-wrapped calendar. She ripped off the wrapper and began thumbing through the months.

"Ah, here we are. Right here on May 2010," she exclaimed.

"What?" I inquired.

"Right here on the month of May," came the reply. "This picture is racist. The caption is hate speech."

"How do you figure that? And who appointed you the official censor of this calendar?" I asked.

"Sir, it is the official policy of this bookstore not to sell any merchandise that can be construed as being racist or offensive to sensitive groups," the short woman exclaimed.

"Well, what standard do you use to determine that?" I quickly inquired.

She looked at me with a sense of indignation and curtly stated: "It's the standard of good taste that all culturally and racially sensitive people have."

I didn't see anything wrong with the picture. It was certainly nothing "worse" than I had seen on "South Park." Its caption was nothing compared to what is uttered by some television comedians. It was, after all, satire. It was supposed to be somewhat insensitive and stimulate thinking. In reality, it was making fun of the absurdity of the stereotype itself, and not meant to demean any racial group.

I was getting angry. I thought, "What has happened to the First Amendment of the Constitution? What has this country become when a bookstore clerk and some corporate bureaucrats can decide what we can read and what we can't?"

"Give me that calendar back!" I ordered.

She shot back with a prune-shaped orifice: "I can't do that, sir! It never should have been sold to you in the first place. You can have your money back or you can choose another calendar of comparable price that is culturally sensitive."

I reached for the calendar. We were now in a tug of war over the disputed item. The clerk began to scream for help. Quickly, the manager appeared.

"What is going on here?" he said.

"This racist bigot is trying to take this calendar away from me!" screeched the former '60s hippie.

I replied that I was only trying to recover what was mine and paid in full. When I commented something about a "free" country and my right to read what I choose, security escorted me out of the store. I left without the calendar or my money.

As the goons pushed me to the curb, I suddenly awakened from a deep sleep. I realized I was in my bedroom. The clock had just clicked to 7:30 a.m.

It was just a horrible dream! Yet, it all seemed so real.

Thank goodness we live in a country where the Constitution guarantees us freedom of thought and the right to read and say what we believe. Thank God satire and parody are part of that protected speech. This could never happen in real life in a country like ours.

Yes, it was nothing more than a nightmare — or was it?

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

Reader Feedback

Lodian wrote on Sep 24, 2009 1:19 PM:

" Indeed, Billy, indeed!!! "

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The clerk and I skirmished over the calendar she said was insensitive

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