Santa confesses: The Grinch is now on his payroll

It's obvious that at this time of year Mr. Claus doesn't have a whole lot of time to chat or do much press. So you can thank me later, friends, for once again securing this major interview exclusive.

It wouldn't be objective or fair to you, the reader, if I didn't hammer out fact-finding, deep questions.

I do this for you fully risking my non-exempt naughty or nice status.

This no-holds-barred interview begins now:

Wade Heath: Mr. Claus, thank you for doing this interview with me. But all pleasantries aside, I refuse to hold back as I have a commitment to my readers to deliver honest, real information.

Santa Claus: Oh, Wade, you never hold back. I've come to expect that. You know, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake.

WH: Intimidation will not work here, sir. About that whole sleeping and awake thing. What's with that?

SC: It's just how it sounds. I'm well aware of everyone's behavior. Especially your City Council members and their "fly on the wall" mentality.

WH: Is there an assault on Christmas?

SC: Don't you mean "the holidays?"

WH: Each year you are a symbol of the season to the whole world, yet you still find time to help Lodi firefighters in their food quest for charity and manage to be the finale in our annual Parade of Lights. How do you do it?

SC: Well, remember, Wade, I can visit every household on earth in one night. Helping the bravest of Lodi and being invited to star in your town's parade is a pleasure and honor.

WH: Never correct me in front of the readers.

SC: Sorry.

WH: Your favorite Christmas movie, what is it?

SC: I absolutely love "A Christmas Story." What a classic piece of American film!

WH: Weaknesses. What are some of yours?

SC: Smiles of children, cookies and veteran nice-listers.

WH: Speaking of the nice list. Care to share a few who made it this year?

SC: You're lucky, the ELFland security act just released that information to the public. Off the top of my head I'd say Bonnie Scott, John Beckman, Layla Bohm, Carmen and Otto Sandmeier, Cal Keilhold, Debbi Goni and once again, officer Scott Bratton, to name a few.

WH: Care to share any naughty list folks?

SC: There's no need to publish that. It'll just lead to drama.

WH: The American economy is in the tank. Does that affect your operation?

SC: Luckily my resources are not at all tied-in with any part of the world economy. I have several thousand assistants in my elf-force that also contribute greatly to our execution of Christmas. But my sleigh and a few other things at the pole run solely on Christmas spirit. In times like these many citizens of your nation lose the spirit of Christmas.

WH: What makes the spirit of Christmas?

SC: People believing in me, themselves, their families and friends. People helping people, giving of oneself and striving to make others better. People believing no dream is too small, no wish is too big. ANYTHING is possible. The spirit of Christmas is locked away in the hearts of everyone. It's opening those hearts to share that's key.

WH: What ever happened to the Grinch?

SC: As you can imagine, he was on the naughty list for a very long time. It was after a remarkable transformation, which I understand one of your American authors has documented, that led to a naughty list consultant position on my staff.

WH: So the Grinch now works for you?

SC: It really hasn't been public knowledge, but yes, on a freelance basis.

WH: So tell me about Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and why he rarely makes public appearances?

SC: It would be a pleasure to set the record straight to everyone as to why Rudolph is rarely seen. Rudolph came to my aid one very foggy Christmas eve and saved Christmas. He wasn't a full-time reindeer but was a volunteer, and went down in history for his heroic actions and wonderful qualities. He was the only one with a nose that lit up, making him one of our first diverse reindeer at the pole.

Rudolph has since semi-retired but is still on-call anytime we need him.

WH: Thank you again for this opportunity, Mr. Claus. I'll give you the last word.

SC: May you and the rest of Lodi have a spectacular Christmas full of love, family and happiness. Keep your heads up during these trying times and know that Santa is always a letter away, ready to help any time of year. Merry Christmas to all!

Wade Heath of Lodi can be reached at reachwade@lycos.com.