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Last 7 Days

Top Blogs

• Man crashes into Kragen's

• Lodi churches enjoy getting together for Super Bowl

• Parks and Rec eyes solution to erosion at Pig's Lake in Lodi

• Super Tuesday info

• Bill Clinton to visit University of the Pacific

• Regional Roundup

• Public meetings for the week

November 21st, 2009

• Logbook

• Holiday drive spreads cheer to U.S. troops

• Galt High students want board to approve open-campus policy

• Poisoning victims remain hospitalized

• Expert: Half a mushroom cap can be deadly

• Tokay grad files claim over Lodi's Grape Bowl

• Lodi Middle School holds annual Turkey Trot

• Regional Roundup

• No motive or suspect in shooting

• Sacramento cop arrested for alleged kidnapping

November 20th, 2009

• Acampo woman killed

• Salvation Army Kettle Kickoff

• Advocacy groups sue East Bay Municipal Utility District over Pardee expansion

• Regional Roundup

• Galt plans to help residents with energy-efficient projects

• Stable southeast of Lodi approved

• One year after a heart attack, Lodi's Judy Mims thanks rescuers

• National Guard troops return home in time for the holidays

• Real estate market gets on more solid ground

November 19th, 2009

• Operation: Christmas

• Logbook

• Suspect arrested after hiding in fridge

• Chase ends in crash

• Galt Joint Union High School Distric hires new superintendent

• Sales tax hike yields dividends: 5 new officers join Galt Police

• Lodi Unified School District board votes to cancel summer school for 2010

• Water surges in Mokelumne River yield more salmon

• Lodi City Council will consider redevelopment next June

• Lodi City Council plans to cap number of taco trucks at 22

• Corrections

November 18th, 2009

• Regional Roundup

• Paranormal group conducts second investigation of building

• Congress allocates money for local water projects

• Sarah Palin's book hits the shelves: Locals react

• Lodi man finds wife's ashes during police display of stolen property

• Galt City Council rejects study on rent stabilization

November 17th, 2009

• Paying tribute to a Lodian

• Lodi Budget and Finance Committee to look into ways to save money on employee benefits

• Regional Roundup

• Decision on summer school expected at tonight's Lodi Unified School District meeting

• Clements gets free water rescue boat

• Redevelopment to be discussed by Lodi City Council again

• Court reinstates death penalty for killer of Lodi grad

• Clarification

November 16th, 2009

• Correction

• Public Meetings

• City Council 'triple-dog dared' to ditch cars, use Lodi buses

• Sierra Adventure store to close after four years in Downtown Lodi

• Lodi's First Sip event showcases area wineries' latest vintages

• Three members of Lodi-area family fall ill after eating poisonous mushrooms they reportedly found at Lodi Lake

• Regional Roundup

November 14th, 2009

• Galt school district narrows superintendent search to one

• Regional Roundup

• Despite budget cuts, some Lodi Unified School District salaries continue to rise

• Watchful neighbor in Lodi helped bust suspected burglars

• New Galt city manager juggles job, family

• Despite an increase in homeless students, school districts look to bolster enrollment, raise revenue

• A first look at 2009 vintages at Lodi's First Sip wine-tasting event

The following stories have received the most reader comments during the last 7 days.

• The country's mess is our fault (168)
• Obama is not a moderate (130)
• Sarah Palin's book hits the shelves: Locals react (72)
• Lodi City Council plans to cap number of taco trucks at 22 (50)
• Public health care is a Christian option (33)
• The haves should help the have-nots (30)
• Tokay in, traveling to unbeaten No. 3 Grant for football playoffs (25)
• Government-run health care is a bad idea (20)
• Young woman fatally shot at Acampo home (17)
• Sierra Adventure store to close after four years in Downtown Lodi (16)

ADVERTISEMENT

If you want to make a ton, invest in Hummers, mercury recycling and political investment parlors

People have said to me: "Steve, you've done pretty well with investments. What do you recommend for these volatile times?" While I don't give financial advice, nor do I recommend that anyone else follow my plan, I will, for the first time, reveal a personal, prize-winning philosophy on investing, coupled with a responsible roadmap for a frazzled and fickled future.

To be successful at this game, one must be able to predict tomorrow's trends. One must be able to ignore the hype of today's popular investments. At first, it is a difficult thing to do, but through practice and perseverance, a successful investor can remove all thoughts of so-called financial experts, and create a vivacious vision of what is to come.

I learned my technique in the 1970s, while serving in the U.S. Army. I was involved in a secret plan at the time called "remote viewing." Through heavy concentration and meditation, I was actually able to suspend the space-time continuum and see world events before they happened. By using this method, here is just a sample of my vision for the year 2020, and how I plan to arrange my investments accordingly:

1. Global warming: I am now buying property in Groveland, which resides at an altitude of 3,000 feet. I plan to make a killing when this small, sleepy town of 3,500 people becomes the new oceanfront Santa Cruz of tomorrow.

2. National language: I am also buying struggling linguistic schools and converting them to the international language of the future, which is Chinese. In 2020, when you pull out the directions to your new weed eater or assemble-it-yourself furniture, there will be only one language for you to read and decipher.

3. Energy: As prices fall on large SUVs, especially original Hummers, I am buying and storing them in large warehouses. As more and more people buy gas-sipping hybrids, oil consumption will fall and so will prices. This will bring a resurgence of large vehicles, as Americans will long for the "good old days."

4. Health care: Government-run health care will be established by 2010, but will be broke by 2020. By 2021, the only treatment available will be medical marijuana. I haven't quite figured out how to deal with this one yet, other than to create cold storage that will freeze-dry today's crop for tomorrow's needs.

5. Mercury recycling centers: As politicians phase out incandescent light bulbs, their mercury-contained florescent replacements will not be accepted in landfills. Therefore, I have bought property in some of the poorest sections of town to bury these unwanted nuisances.

6. Political investment parlors: In the future, it will not be necessary to pay politicians under the table. They will be traded on the open market — just like stocks. The more shares you own, the more influence you will have. Therefore, I am now buying trading centers and bribing politicians to pave the way for this future investment activity.

These are some of my visions for the next twelve years. Why not try your hand at remote viewing and see if you agree? Success comes not from following the herd, but from leading the pack. Good luck with your future investments. If you are successful, you'll be secure when Social Security is broke by 2020.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.