To save the polar bears, we might have to give up our Tundras and Tahoes

The state has decided to sue the EPA for its decision to protect automakers from strict California environmental laws. Attorney Gary Moonroof has blamed the transportation industry for billions of dollars that taxpayers expect to spend on damages caused by carbon dioxide.

"If automobiles had never been invented, we wouldn't be having this problem now," said the balding Moonroof. "If Henry Ford were alive today, he'd be tried for treason."

Recently, District Judge David Denial struck a stinging blow to Moonroof's claim. The judge said that the prominent attorney does not seem to know the difference between carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide. His holding also stated that Moonroof presented no scientific evidence to reasonably conclude that auto emissions are making any difference with the Earth's temperature.

"Since 97 percent of carbon dioxide is created by the oceans, this lawsuit should be directed at Mother Nature, not the automakers," wrote the judge in his decision.

Moonroof was obviously disappointed in the ruling. "We have plenty of proof," he said. "Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' should be enough to convince anyone."

The state's attorney was referring to the fact that any movie which wins a Hollywood award for "Best Documentary" is proof well beyond a preponderance of the evidence.

"Just give me the same jury that freed O.J.," said Moonroof. "If I can just reassemble that group of scholars, I know we would get a judgment in our favor."

The state attorney continued by predicting that once the jury saw a movie with polar bears drowning, it would be all over for the carmakers.

An attorney for the automakers scoffed at Moonroof's claim. "He doesn't seem to know that the polar bear population has actually increased over the last 40 years, and that these creatures can actually swim," said Stan Shyster. "If they are just willing to paddle a little bit to the south, I'm sure they would be welcomed with open arms in communities like Seattle, Portland or San Francisco."

Moonroof is not discouraged by Judge Denial's decision. If the EPA suit is dismissed, he vowed his next step would be to sue Mother Nature.

"We've been trying to locate her to serve a subpoena," he said. "So far, she's been quite elusive. We think she may have fled to Mexico."

In the meantime, the ambitious attorney may take his case directly to the people. Moonroof feels that Americans would be solidly behind his plan.

"Our country is only a small fraction of the Earth's surface and population.

But until we remove all automobiles from the roads, or at least tax them $20,000 apiece annually, this great environmental crisis will not subside," he said.

Moonroof assured news people that China and India would follow, once the United States sets the moral example.

"Hang on to your hats and open your wallets," he told reporters. "I have the utmost confidence that we will lower the temperature of our warming solar system."

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.