To save the polar bears, we might have to give up our Tundras and Tahoes

The state has decided to sue the EPA for its decision to protect automakers from strict California environmental laws. Attorney Gary Moonroof has blamed the transportation industry for billions of dollars that taxpayers expect to spend on damages caused by carbon dioxide.

"If automobiles had never been invented, we wouldn't be having this problem now," said the balding Moonroof. "If Henry Ford were alive today, he'd be tried for treason."

Recently, District Judge David Denial struck a stinging blow to Moonroof's claim. The judge said that the prominent attorney does not seem to know the difference between carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide. His holding also stated that Moonroof presented no scientific evidence to reasonably conclude that auto emissions are making any difference with the Earth's temperature.

"Since 97 percent of carbon dioxide is created by the oceans, this lawsuit should be directed at Mother Nature, not the automakers," wrote the judge in his decision.

Moonroof was obviously disappointed in the ruling. "We have plenty of proof," he said. "Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' should be enough to convince anyone."

The state's attorney was referring to the fact that any movie which wins a Hollywood award for "Best Documentary" is proof well beyond a preponderance of the evidence.

"Just give me the same jury that freed O.J.," said Moonroof. "If I can just reassemble that group of scholars, I know we would get a judgment in our favor."

The state attorney continued by predicting that once the jury saw a movie with polar bears drowning, it would be all over for the carmakers.

An attorney for the automakers scoffed at Moonroof's claim. "He doesn't seem to know that the polar bear population has actually increased over the last 40 years, and that these creatures can actually swim," said Stan Shyster. "If they are just willing to paddle a little bit to the south, I'm sure they would be welcomed with open arms in communities like Seattle, Portland or San Francisco."

Moonroof is not discouraged by Judge Denial's decision. If the EPA suit is dismissed, he vowed his next step would be to sue Mother Nature.

"We've been trying to locate her to serve a subpoena," he said. "So far, she's been quite elusive. We think she may have fled to Mexico."

In the meantime, the ambitious attorney may take his case directly to the people. Moonroof feels that Americans would be solidly behind his plan.

"Our country is only a small fraction of the Earth's surface and population.

But until we remove all automobiles from the roads, or at least tax them $20,000 apiece annually, this great environmental crisis will not subside," he said.

Moonroof assured news people that China and India would follow, once the United States sets the moral example.

"Hang on to your hats and open your wallets," he told reporters. "I have the utmost confidence that we will lower the temperature of our warming solar system."

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

Reader Feedback

Leonard wrote on Jan 14, 2008 7:11 AM:

" Chuckle.... so that is what they teach you boys down at Stanford.

Worth every penny, I'm sure. "

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stanford man wrote on Jan 13, 2008 10:07 AM:

" Uh, guys - How do I put this gently?
It's ah, P.J. O'ROURKE. "

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Stanford Man wrote on Jan 13, 2008 9:30 AM:

" Global warming is nothing to laugh
about!! or is it? "

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Gator wrote on Jan 13, 2008 8:55 AM:

" It's one of those time's again,I'm on
Leonard's side this one!!!Funny like
a broken leg...PJ Rourke is a very
funny guy... "

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Leonard wrote on Jan 13, 2008 7:33 AM:

" Brian: I don't think anyone claims that GW is COMPLETELY human caused. That is just one of the many strawmen that conservatives throw in liberals faces when they sense that they have lost an argument. "

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Stanford Man wrote on Jan 12, 2008 5:53 PM:

" If Hansen teed some people off, I'm sure he achieved his purpose. "

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voter wrote on Jan 12, 2008 3:34 PM:

" Stanford Man: It's like stopping to watch a train wreck. "

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Brian wrote on Jan 12, 2008 2:38 PM:

" Leonard, I really don't expect you to laugh at Hansen. He does hit a nerve with his angle on global warming. On my behalf, he does bring up some good points. I'm not totally sold that global warming is totally human caused.
I do acknowledge it is happening. The average conservative burries his head in the sand on the whole matter. "

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Stanford Man wrote on Jan 12, 2008 12:25 PM:

" A love a man who hates a columnist but never fails to read him every week. "

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Leonard wrote on Jan 12, 2008 7:20 AM:

" Brian: Honestly though, man to man, you don't really think Hansen is funny, do you?

I mean, I have heard good conservative satire from time to time. PJ Rourke can make me laugh my arse off from time to time.

This Hansen stuff, though, it is just the worst sort of dreck. "

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Brian wrote on Jan 12, 2008 6:54 AM:

" Global warming is a touchy subject. I can't say I don't agree with Steve about most of the carbon dioxide coming from the oceans. "

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Gadzooks wrote on Jan 9, 2008 6:02 PM:

" . . . as WalMart to high fashion. "

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Leonard wrote on Jan 9, 2008 11:04 AM:

" How Steve Hansen's claim to be a satirist gets by the Sentinel's fact checkers escapes me. Hansen's writing is to satire as haggis is to food. "

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