In our progressive family, Thanksgiving meant chow mein and Labor Day was a cruise on the Potomac powered by Honda

The annual return of Thanksgiving reminds me so much of my childhood days.

As many of you know, I grew up in a very progressive family that was 40 years ahead of its time. My parents were well-educated, as my father had a Ph.D. in Nostradamian studies, and my mother held her advance degree in Soviet-style journalism. My father just seemed to have a niche for seeing the future, and my mother was famous for many articles at the time, which included: "Why religious people are evil, not good," and: "When everyone is poor, we'll all be happy."

For us, traditional legal holidays did not have the same meaning as they did for most people of the times. Take Thanksgiving, for example. My parents saw right through the hype that Pilgrims were "thankful" to the Indians for their survival. As newcomers to the continent, these religious zealots were just kissing-up because they planned to take over all along. Not that we should condemn the Pilgrims for being better business people, mind you. After all, they were dealing with natives, who didn't know what a wheel was, let alone, understand the sophistication of a European business model. So for Thanksgiving, we pretty much ignored the whole thing and had chow mein at a local Chinese restaurant.

When Christmas came along — well, need I say more? Being progressive, we wanted nothing to do with the religious significance of the holiday, but quite frankly, enjoyed the commercialism of it all. On Christmas day, after checking our presents to make sure that all of our greediest desires were fulfilled, we would watch scenes from the movie, Godfather I. The Christmas scene was the one we enjoyed most. You know, it's the part where Virgil "The Turk" Sollozzo kidnapped Tom Hagen, while Hagen held a wooden snow sled. It was just like the one I had!

The movie helped remind us that the most important business transactions of the world continued, no matter what the season.

Then there was New Year's Day. My parents said that this date was reserved for people who wanted to preserve the sanctity of college football — and coincidentally, these same people used a calendar based on the death of a religious figure. We, on the other hand, were much more sophisticated and used the Triassic calendar, which put us in the year of 230, 430, 200 AD (After Dinosaur).

Next were Lincoln and Washington's birthdays. My father knew that someday, these holidays would be wiped out in favor of a generic: "let's celebrate all of the presidents' birthdays on one day" event. After all, Lincoln was overrated because 600,000 soldiers died during his administration and he suspended habeas corpus. (Hey, George Bush looks like a saint compared to this guy!)

As for Washington, we all knew he had slaves on the old plantation, so the end of his reign was just around the corner!

Memorial Day was a day to be thankful that the draft had ended in 1973. It's not that we didn't appreciate the sacrifices our brave soldiers made in preservation of our freedom. Rather, it was a time to be joyful for the fact that we didn't have to make any sacrifices, ourselves. To celebrate our liberty, we hopped into Dad's speedboat and cruised around the Potomac for the day It really helped relieve any possible signs of guilt we may have had.

The Fourth of July? Pure insanity! My father used to say: "What's so great about a bunch of nitwits getting drunk and setting off fireworks — just because we told the British where they could put it? Hey, for two hundred years, they've been our best buds, so what's that all about?"

And finally, "Labor Day." This was the time to remember the AFL-CIO and the power of unions to raise prices everywhere. We ignored this one as well, since Dad knew the unions would never break Wal-Mart. So for us, it was just another day on the Potomac. By the way, our Honda outboard motor was the best we ever owned. Those non-union Japanese could certainly build great engines for much cheaper prices!

So you see, we were just years ahead of our time. Today, one must question: "Why have official holidays at all?"

They all seem to have lost their meanings and are just an excuse for another day off. Instead, why not just put a few Monday holidays in "big box" union contracts?

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. He can be found sitting in a beat up DeLorean on the set of the new movie: "Back to the Future VI."

Reader Feedback

Draft Steve Hansen! wrote on Nov 20, 2007 6:19 AM:

" And send him to Iraq. He can bore the insurgents to death. "

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Psychobabble wrote on Nov 16, 2007 7:03 PM:

" Give 'em the facts, Dr. Mike. They only see what they want to see. "

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Dr. Mike wrote on Nov 16, 2007 12:05 PM:

" HaHa or whomever: Are you arguing the general case by a rare exception? Teachers with "reasonable assurance" of continued employment (i.e. a contract for the following school year, or a "promise" of such) are prohibited from collecting unemployment. There are cases where a teacher is hired on a temporary contract for a given school year, or who are RIFed (laid-off) at the end of the year, and they are permitted to collect unemployment. The majority of permanent/FT teachers can not! "

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Prof. Dr. R.M. Santry wrote on Nov 16, 2007 3:49 AM:

" Fritag/Nachmittag/161107 Sir, you made my day when I read the article. Thank you for sharing some fun and humor. Keep up the good writing. "

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Yvette Pleshette [bambi] wrote on Nov 15, 2007 9:30 PM:

" You lived a GOOD life. I remember a Thanksgiving dinner in the desert outside Indio where we had two cans of Chef-boy-r-dee spaghetti for our special dinner and that was it. Now that I am a full time nudie-model, I can buy and sell the meanies that charged us .39 cents a can for the jumbo sized cans [times 2 cans]...I have never returned to Indio. "

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Hey Dr. Mike wrote on Nov 15, 2007 9:25 PM:

" You are wrong. There are circumstances where teachers also collect unemployment. I would tell you how but that would blow my identity. And yes, Unions should be dismantled. "

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Dr. Mike wrote on Nov 15, 2007 12:21 PM:

" HaHaHa: You are mis-informed. Teachers get holidays and three weeks "paid" vacation (Christmas; Spring Break). Teacgers (and counselors) are unemployed during the summer due to "lack of work," not too different than other seasonal workers (loggers; farm workers; construction workers). The one difference between teachers and those other workers is that teachers can not collect unemployment, while most others can. So, your question should be "how long are teachers unemployed per year without pay?" On unions. I assume you also want other labor unions to be declared illegal? "

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Tradition wrote on Nov 15, 2007 8:46 AM:

" What a perspective you have written about American Traditions. I have hoped that being well educated would never lead to over analyzing what is celebrated by most of our population. To be devoid of tradition by being too well educated. How sad. Althought I would feast on chow mein anyday of the week. "

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Hahaha!! wrote on Nov 15, 2007 8:23 AM:

" Or how about school vouchers to help break the education monopoly that the Teacher`s Union now holds? How many months of vacations do teachers get? Is it 2 or 3 months? Do tell! These are ALL great ideas for columns! "

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Hahaha!! wrote on Nov 15, 2007 8:21 AM:

" Or how about MERIT BASED PAY for teachers and school counselors! That would be an AWESOME column! LOTFLOL! "

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Hahaha!! wrote on Nov 15, 2007 8:19 AM:

" Hey Steve, you are HILARIOUS!! Here`s an idea for another funny column! How about getting rid of the teacher`s union! Think how much money the state could save if we privatized the schools! "

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