A nation unto itself

GALLSTONE — It's no Washington, D.C., but the city of Gallstone has declared itself to be more powerful than the federal government. This small valley town of 24,000 residents has decided to sign the Kyoto Protocol, along with 129 other international countries.

"I've never read the U.S. Constitution," said Mayor Sid E. Fathers. "But I know for a fact that it gives small cities like ours, the power to sign treaties, raise an army, regulate interstate commerce and make maritime law. I've been told these powers are granted somewhere in the back."

Mayor Fathers went on to tell the press that because of the city's national ventures, it does not have the time to deal with local problems, such as graffiti, gangs and crime.

"First of all, it's not graffiti. It's 'art of the people,'" he said. "It only enhances the beauty of our town."

As far as gangs are concerned, Fathers took the position that these are simply groups of Americans, now called Gallstonians, exercising the right of assembly. The Mayor went on to say that crime in his city is not his problem. "Why do you think we have the FBI, the DEA, the INS, the ATF and the CIA?" he said. "Our town may be acting like an independent nation, but it is still someone else's job to handle our local crime."

The City Council will be looking at national issues, such as regulating trade agreements and raising an army. The first thing on the agenda will be to ban all bottled water from entering the city's borders. Councilwoman Dare B. Different stated that this act would almost single-handedly, reverse global warming and stop needless expansion of our landfills.

"It's a first step," she said, vowing that television sets, washing machines and old couches would soon be banned for the same reasons.

"We also need to look at the army thing," said Mayor Fathers. "Since Gallstone has never been attacked by another country, we don't believe there is a need for a military."

Some Gallstonians have objected to the unrestrained power of their City Council.

"I don't think we are big enough to handle all of the world's problems," said longtime resident, Worried Mann. "What's next for these guys — a seat at the United Nations?"

Other plans by the City Council are to establish maritime law and to legalize medical marijuana. While the city is not located near any major waterways, some local developments do have small private lakes. "We need to establish tariffs and other port-of-entry regulations on these lakes," said Councilwoman Different. "Otherwise, we could have chaos and piracy. No one wants a Captain Hook in his or her backyard."

Ms. Different told reporters that medical marijuana would be a major part of Gallstone's comprehensive healthcare plan for all of its citizens.

The city of Gallstone hopes that other towns in America will follow its bold lead and move toward solving federal problems as well. When asked by reporters what Congress would do about a rash of cities exercising these newly found powers?

"Nothing," replied Mayor Fathers. "It's what they do best."

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.