Hot news: Enviro-concert causes earth's temp to drop by a fraction

WASHINGTON — The Lively Earth concert commenced Saturday with enthusiastic crowds in seven different countries around the world. Organizers hailed the event as smashing successes with proven results. On the following day of the musical moneymaker, the Earth's temperature was taken. A prolific result was discovered. "The Earth's temperature was actually .00000000012 degrees cooler than the day before," said concert spokesperson, Maple Greenleaf. "This proves we can change the climate of our world. The more concerts we have, the cooler it will be." Testimony from South Africa confirmed Ms. Greenleaf's predictions, as the concert was held on one of the coldest days in 25 years.

LOS ANGELES — Cal Bore Jr., son of a prominent Washington politician, was arrested last week for driving his hybrid over 100 miles per hour. He defended his actions at a news conference last Thursday. "Why shouldn't I be able to drive 100 mph?"

He said. "After all, I get 40 percent better gas mileage than everyone else, so I should be able to drive 40 mph faster." Cal Bore Sr. bemoaned the fact that his son has been struggling with a drug problem for many years. "We were going to send him to rehab, but that's been overdone by the Hollywood crowd," the veteran congressman was quoted as saying. "Instead, we've decided to send him to pharmacy school, where he can make all the drugs he wants and not be hassled by law enforcement."

MANCHESTER, N.H. — A bank branch was held up by a man disguised as a tree. The bank opened a 9 a.m., when a person walked in — "looking and smelling like an old growth forest," said one of the bank tellers. Officers say the perpetrator "opined" that he and his fellow plants deserved better treatment from humans and demanded money from the teller. Police are warning the public to be on the lookout for a tall pine tree, approximately 58 feet in length, shedding needles, and driving a large flatbed truck.

WASHINGTON — Scientists at NASA today said that Mars has warmed about 0.5 degrees since the early 1970s. Although previously believed that no life existed on the planet, it is now thought that there must be Martian creatures driving SUVs, as there is no other logical explanation for the temperature increase. "All the great scientists of the world agree that Mars is getting warmer and that the creatures of this planet are the cause," said Professor Heinz Dumkoft. "We believe their only hope is to organize musical concerts around Mars, but the timing will have to be right," he said.

The professor was referring to a rare summer Martian day when the temperature can reach 68 degrees F, although most days are around minus 81 degrees F. He said it would be difficult to get a turnout for global warming on a cold day. Also, Martian music has not proven to be as popular as modern rock or hip-hop.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

Reader Feedback

esayjay wrote on Jul 17, 2007 8:56 PM:

" Hey Steve, When are you going to get a real job? "

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To Stradlater wrote on Jul 17, 2007 10:36 AM:

" I couldn't have said it better myself. Bravo! "

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historian wrote on Jul 17, 2007 10:22 AM:

" He understands it. The point of Live Earth is to make money, listen to music and do drugs. "

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Stradlater wrote on Jul 17, 2007 1:51 AM:

" What is with LNS columnists? First Officer Wade saying that the homeless are human trash, and now Hansen here absolutely not understanding the point of Live Earth. Thanks, News Sentinel! Way to show that people in Lodi are terrified of and have no understanding of the world around them -- and are damn proud of it! "

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Dr. R.M. Santry wrote on Jul 16, 2007 5:28 AM:

" Great commentary as always. LOL in Germany! "

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Daniel wrote on Jul 13, 2007 1:38 PM:

" Bobby Jr.: That would be treason against a UN world government. "

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Bobby Jr. wrote on Jul 13, 2007 9:21 AM:

" Anyone who diagrees with global warming should be tried for treason. "

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historian wrote on Jul 13, 2007 7:13 AM:

" The dinosaurs tried to convert their flatulence to electricity, but the astroids got them first. "

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Daniel wrote on Jul 12, 2007 10:47 PM:

" Hansen: You can contact Al "I invented the internet" Gore, and have him take a look at the global warming hoax that was published in the Lodi Sentinel last Saturday. It's in the internet. "

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Daniel wrote on Jul 12, 2007 10:46 PM:

" Bill C. From Stockton: Human-induced CO2 increases are responsible for global warming on Mars. "

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To Bill C wrote on Jul 12, 2007 10:53 AM:

" It wasn't the snowmobiles driven by the caveman, it was the intestinal gas produced by the foraging dinosaurs. "

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Bill C. From Stockton wrote on Jul 12, 2007 9:30 AM:

" Great article Steve. It's a shame that the real scientists don't speak up and tell some of the real facts, like global warming is effecting other planets and here's a good one, I believe there was some global warming hundreds of thousands of years ago. What caused that? It must have been all the snowmobiles that the cavemen were driving that caused the huge meltdown. "

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