I shed no tears when this pesky peacock was sent to the flock in the sky

There should be some kind of a PG-13 disclaimer on this article since it contains mayhem, murder, aviaphobia, conspiracy and slightly unfounded glee.

Unaccustomed as I was to the blood-curdling cry of an adult peacock, the first eerie rendition of the song of that egomaniacal, feathered, loudmouthed alarm clock happened right after sunrise one morning, and it put me out of my bed and upright as fast as if my smoke alarm had gone off.

There being no fire, my next thought was to call 9-1-1 and report the kidnapping of a screaming child.

A day or so before, my neighbors had somehow become the new caretakers of a loud and PO'ed peacock, which they tethered by its ankle to their front porch banister with a flimsy rope.

The bird soon discovered he could peck the rope a few dozen times and cut it in two.

In his subsequent ventures about the neighborhood, he made the fascinating discovery there was another peacock, a dead ringer for his own self, in my patio.

My "peacock" was a window treated with Mylar, which made it into a mirror and a tireless and fearless rival of the interloper.

The only real difference between the two birds was the fact the live, neighbor fowl had the entails of an elephant, and the effluvia therefrom emanating made the patio impassable in low light because of the huge clumps of hazardous waste left in his wake.

Lucky for me, I live in the country and have a couple of manure shovels, so I could always clear a pathway when I needed to walk to the swimming pool from the house.

One day I decided to catch the feathered peck and poop machine and tie him to the neighbor's bannister with some old Paris Hilton leg irons that the people I bought the house from had left behind — they were actually small chains used to secure gopher traps and would have been impervious to the most enthusiastic bombardment by a mere bird's peck.

I went out into the patio. Our culprit spotted me and walked out to the backyard where he dropped another weight-reducing load on the sidewalk and took off.

Much to my amazement, I discovered the sucker could fly! He landed on the roof, looked at me and said, in peacockese, "Nanner, nanner!"

I made a vow years ago that I wouldn't cuss even if I missed a two-foot putt on the golf green, but that dirty bird was beginning to bring out the beast in me. Luckily, we were alone and the bird didn't understand anything a squarehead said, no matter how loudly.

He flew off the roof and landed in the front yard. I ran around the house in time to see him duck into some foliage and I began my feckless pursuit. There is a hedge out front he hid behind, and from then on we were the coyote and the roadrunner.

When I got ahead of him, he would edge backward, when I got behind, he ran forward. I decided I would "herd" him out the front gate and back over to his home. While looking at me, he ran out the front gate as fast as his legs would carry him and just as he reached the peacock version of Mach 1, he was taken to the great Flock In the Sky by a brand-new Lincoln Town Car happily zipping down Highway 12 in a shiny, black haze, apparently oblivious to the feathery disarray about to manifest under and behind the car.

I bit my tongue really hard so I could look properly pained even though my heart leapt with joy as I went straight to the neighbor's house.

It happened the neighbor and a friend of his were whiling away a few moments on their front porch. As I approached them, looking properly grim, I told the neighbor I knew where his peacock was. "See the pile of feathers down by my front gate?" I asked.

"Good!" was his reply. "I hated that loud %^&*. It belonged to my mother-in-law and I ain't exactly nuts about her either."

Bob Bader is a Lodi chiropractor. You can reach him at drrobertbader@sbcglobal.net.

Reader Feedback

LodiCitizen wrote on Jun 15, 2007 6:40 AM:

" Beautiful birds, but noisy and dirty. "

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to oh please wrote on Jun 14, 2007 11:06 PM:

" Have someone take the bird and turn it loose somewhere else, they can survive anywhere. Anyone that derives pleasure out of death of any of Gods creatures , large or small, IMHO , is sick. And you sure cant deny that a car hitting a bird of that size could have seriously injured an innocent human being as well. Wonder if he would have been boasting then.... I certainly hope not, all the same its a sick story. Case closed! "

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Oh Please! wrote on Jun 14, 2007 1:51 PM:

" Calm down, it's not like he killed the bird himself, or anyone killed it on purpose for that matter. I'd be glad the sucker was dead too if it was disturbing my peace. No, it's not the bird's fault he was placed in that environment, but it's not the neighbor who he was disturbing's fault either. "

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how sad wrote on Jun 13, 2007 11:16 PM:

" They say people that like to hurt animals usually have other problems too. That is the sickest boast of an animal being killed for being placed in a place out of his environment I have ever read. Made me sick! Worse yet is that the car that hit it could have easily ran off the road hitting a bird of that size, or the bird could have went through their windshield and seriously injured or killed an innocent human being. God puts all animals here for a reason. Shame on you! "

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