You ask, I answer, even if the questions are about the Cornmobile

What I especially like about creating this column are the many letters and e-mails I have received from readers. It warms my circulatory system to know that there are those who appreciate my levelheaded and common sense appraisal of life's ludicrous situations. Here are just a few examples:

Dear Steve: I love your work! How did you learn to be such a talented writer?

— Someday

Dear Someday: It wasn't easy. It began in elementary school when my teacher made me write 1,000 times: "I will not throw spit wads at Sally Jane."

This inspired me to move to a higher calling by attending law school, and eventually earn a doctorate through "Degrees R Us" mail order college. During my tenure in the Army, I wrote field manuals on how to look busy when the colonel walks by. While working in the public schools, I was constantly writing rebuttals to my negative evaluations. Eventually, a brilliant editor of a small town paper discovered my hidden talents and as they say in writers' land, "the rest is history."

By the way, Sally Jane became a crack addict and no one knows her whereabouts today.

Dear Dr. Hansen: I did not find your satire on "The Cornmobile" that amusing. When it comes to our plight on global warming, this is not a matter of levity, but a matter of serious concern.

— Concerned

Dear Concerned: I couldn't agree with you more. As a matter of fact, I plan to use only public transportation just as soon as my concealed weapons permit is approved.

Dear Mr. Hansen: I remember you when I was a student. You were funny back then, too. Is this why the principal wanted to fire you?

— Fondly

Dear Fondly: Yes, I'm afraid it is true. You see, the state of public education today is no laughing matter. But that was not the only reason he wanted to fire me. I would call in sick on ski days, take three-hour lunches, and sleep at my desk with my eyes open. He figured there was something fishy when I was always gone on Fridays, gained 100 pounds, and never blinked.

Dear Dr. Hansen: Choosing presidential candidates like "American Idol" is a dumb idea.

— A. Fan

Dear A. Fan: You're right. "Fear Factor" would be a much better plan.

Dear Mr. Hansen: Are you related to Larry Hansen?

— Curious

Dear Curious: I've answered this once before, but I believe we are. He's my twelfth cousin twice removed — or is it four times removed? Well, he's a son of Hans, anyway.

I believe Robert Hanssen, the spy, is a closer relative.

He just couldn't spell.

Keep those comments coming in folks. I always love hearing from you.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. He can be reached at shansen@softcom.net.