You ask, I answer, even if the questions are about the Cornmobile

What I especially like about creating this column are the many letters and e-mails I have received from readers. It warms my circulatory system to know that there are those who appreciate my levelheaded and common sense appraisal of life's ludicrous situations. Here are just a few examples:

Dear Steve: I love your work! How did you learn to be such a talented writer?

— Someday

Dear Someday: It wasn't easy. It began in elementary school when my teacher made me write 1,000 times: "I will not throw spit wads at Sally Jane."

This inspired me to move to a higher calling by attending law school, and eventually earn a doctorate through "Degrees R Us" mail order college. During my tenure in the Army, I wrote field manuals on how to look busy when the colonel walks by. While working in the public schools, I was constantly writing rebuttals to my negative evaluations. Eventually, a brilliant editor of a small town paper discovered my hidden talents and as they say in writers' land, "the rest is history."

By the way, Sally Jane became a crack addict and no one knows her whereabouts today.

Dear Dr. Hansen: I did not find your satire on "The Cornmobile" that amusing. When it comes to our plight on global warming, this is not a matter of levity, but a matter of serious concern.

— Concerned

Dear Concerned: I couldn't agree with you more. As a matter of fact, I plan to use only public transportation just as soon as my concealed weapons permit is approved.

Dear Mr. Hansen: I remember you when I was a student. You were funny back then, too. Is this why the principal wanted to fire you?

— Fondly

Dear Fondly: Yes, I'm afraid it is true. You see, the state of public education today is no laughing matter. But that was not the only reason he wanted to fire me. I would call in sick on ski days, take three-hour lunches, and sleep at my desk with my eyes open. He figured there was something fishy when I was always gone on Fridays, gained 100 pounds, and never blinked.

Dear Dr. Hansen: Choosing presidential candidates like "American Idol" is a dumb idea.

— A. Fan

Dear A. Fan: You're right. "Fear Factor" would be a much better plan.

Dear Mr. Hansen: Are you related to Larry Hansen?

— Curious

Dear Curious: I've answered this once before, but I believe we are. He's my twelfth cousin twice removed — or is it four times removed? Well, he's a son of Hans, anyway.

I believe Robert Hanssen, the spy, is a closer relative.

He just couldn't spell.

Keep those comments coming in folks. I always love hearing from you.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. He can be reached at shansen@softcom.net.

Reader Feedback

Ima Writer wrote on Apr 3, 2007 7:42 PM:

" I know what you mean about training to become a writer. Just take a look at any State job - reports, memos, emails, forms, analyses, etc. Endless opportunities to put pen to paper and watch it all go into the 'circular file'. "

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Bill C. from Stockton wrote on Apr 3, 2007 11:06 AM:

" Dear Dr. Hansen, I am not one to take the matter of Global Warming lightly, but can you explain what type of vehicles were driven by Mr. Gore's ancestors immediately after the ice age? Once we get the answer to that one we will know if the Academy Award winner knows what he's talking about. "

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