Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy star in "Norbit." (Courtesy photo)

'NORBIT' (No stars)

Murphy's talent can't save unfunny movie

You almost have to admire "Norbit," in a kind of sick, twisted way. After all, most bad movies are content to simply bore audiences with rehashed plots and bad acting. Yet here is a much bolder bad movie than the kind we're used to, one that dares to push the boundaries of ineptitude and ask: Exactly how bad can a movie be?

The answer: Really bad. So bad that it physically hurts to look at the screen. So bad that one would have to delve into the realm of theoretical mathematics in order to measure just how bad it is. So bad that it could conceivably drive audiences to alcoholism. So bad that, in all likelihood, those who see it will never again be able to experience joy in their lives. So bad that it transcends time and space — as you're watching it, time doesn't seem to stand still as it does with most bad movies, but seems to actually move backwards.

"Norbit" is another one of those aggressively unfunny Eddie Murphy movies in which the actor takes on multiple roles with the help of (it must be said) impressive makeup. Yet as bad as the others were, nothing could have prepared us for this film, which makes "The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps" look like Alec Guinness' "Kind Hearts and Coronets."

Here, he plays the title character, a goofy weakling who grew up in an orphanage and is used to letting people push him around. This propensity for submission leads him to marry the gargantuan Rasputia (also played by Murphy), who loves to boss around Norbit almost as much as loves to gorge herself on junk food.

Just as Norbit is deciding he's had enough of his wife's gluttonous and lecherous behavior, he runs into an old acquaintance from the orphanage: Kate (Thandie Newton), his former best friend and apparent soul mate, who is in town with her fiancé to take over ownership of the dilapidated orphanage. As the two begin to rekindle their friendship and romance, Rasputia and her three burly brothers scheme to keep them apart and procure the orphanage for themselves so they can turn it into a strip club.

It's all just as stupid as it sounds. And in addition to being painfully unfunny, "Norbit" is more than a bit racist, too: By donning extensive makeup and sporting an exaggerated accent as Norbit's father figure Mr. Wong, Murphy embodies the most blatantly racist Asian caricature since Mickey Rooney made an embarrassment of himself and others in "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Watching it, the mind reels in trying to figure out who could have possibly thought this was a good idea.

Next week, Murphy will probably be accepting an Oscar as best supporting actor for his impressive role in "Dreamgirls."

That "Norbit" — which represents the absolute rock-bottom of the comedian's incredibly uneven career — will be showing in thousands of theaters across the globe at the exact instant Murphy is accepting Hollywood's highest honor is intensely, feverishly ironic, and far funnier than anything contained in this dumb, ugly, overlong travesty of a film.

"Norbit" is rated PG-13 for profanity and crude humor.

Jason Wallis is a News-Sentinel copy editor. He can be reached at jwallis@runbox.com.